It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 22:08:46 GMT

I am only the slightest sorry to say that I was greatly amused upon seeing this after logging in to my Youtube account.

I proceeded in looking up videos of colossal squids thereafter.

My sister has been very... affectionate with me, I suppose, lately? Which is... good. It hasn't been too long since she started acting as such, so we'll see how that goes, buuut before that... ergh. Ever since her 11th birthday she's been the most spoiled thing in the world. Otherwise, we'd get along fine, and were very close. I don't know if it's spurred by the fact that she earns her own money and that gives her a feeling of power compared to some of us, but, every time I have a rare outing with my dad, or bring up some sort of necessity (and trust me, any request involving money that I bring up is normally pretty necessary, aha), she gets extremely nosy if she's only heard part of the conversation, and/or pipes up immediately to cut me off and say how much she needs something else so much more. Ugh.

...Buut, hopefully this spoiled episode is boiling down. The reason I brought it up was because yesterday she insisted that she help me purchase a phone card. D: Aha. I refused quite a few times until she went on a rant about how it was only a couple dollars, and I could pay her back whenever, and etc., etc., etc.. I bought two five-dollar cards (I had about $7 on my own, she pitched in $3) at the corner store.

WHAT THE HECK, TELUS?! I bought a $20 card from them, which gave me about 490 minutes overall. These five-dollar cards I got from some obscure prepaid company? I checked how much I'd spent after Waylan and I ended our call on Monday, and it turned out that after speaking for six hours (...shhh... >_>), I'd only burned $2.55. What?! WHAT?! Well, this is good, I know now to get these cards instead of Telus ones, but... ; ; $20... so much wasted.

Tegaki-E was banned by the BC Government Internet Usage Policy a few days ago... I'm assuming by the school board, which means I can't access the site in this school. Not sure about other locations. I am irritated by this.

DeviantArt, Facebook, Hotmail, Youtube... I could list countless sites that could be banned in comparison. They all have their own reasons for not being (Hotmail used to transfer homework, Facebook to rip images for certain classes, DeviantArt likewise, Youtube for class/teaching purposes) banned, but still. 8| We're not allowed to access Facebook in school, I know that the librarian kicks you out if you do. The only times I'm on it are in Digital Media, because my teacher doesn't care as long as you have your work done (I also have special privileges being a ~TA~).

2chan isn't banned, and neither is Danbooru, but those are pretty obscure, and... understandable because of it.

But, Tegaki? Seriously? It's pretty unknown in itself. The Japanese version of it hasn't been banned (yet?) either, but I'm assuming that's due to obscurity and lack of understanding, aha.

Someone would have had to report the site, as it's not very text-based at all, and wouldn't show up in too many searches.

The worst I've seen on Tegaki are extremely cartoony penises, swearing, and suggested, but always-censored situations. If anything else shows up, it's taken down upon being flagged/noticed. The process might be slower than other sites due to the site itself not being huge or hugely managed, but things slip through on websites of ALL kinds.

Fjlufkuhusdgkjsjkdghjklsdhashafhsjkldgh
all I really do in Digital Media is draw/sketch in Tegaki after checking all of my other accounts, excluding days where the teacher actually requires me to do something.

...I'm considering writing a complaint letter, but to who? Ahahaha Chayce ohoho maybe you're overreacti- no. If a proper complaint was made, they'd probably look into it, and after viewing the first OH NO SLIGHTLY RACIST or OH NO KIND OF NAKED FEMALE (LET'S IGNORE THE FACT THAT IT'S ART) would simply shut me down. I'm still willing to go ahead with it (I'm a 'no harm in trying' sort of person), but... I don't see myself getting much support, unless it was from friends. I asked my DM teacher about it, and her all-around answer to everything was, "Oh, too bad. I don't know. I'll find other things to do for you if you're bored." FFFFFFFFfff that wasn't my problem. 8|

...Wait...

WAIT...

SHIT. AHAHAHAH. My entire rant is now invalid.

A definition for why the site was banned was recently uploaded. It's considered a 'malicious site'.

AUGH.
My computer warned me repeatedly (last week) about the site because of a BANNER ADVERTISEMENT that linked to a malicious program/site that the mod of Tegaki very recently fixed! BELATED RESPONSE, MUCH, SCHOOL BOARD?! GKLJlksdfgjhs okay. I'll give the site a week. If it doesn't become un-banned, I'll complain, making sure to bring up the fact that it's no longer a malicious site. 8| Hurfdurf settled.

I am reading a book called Escape! It's an autobiography of a woman named Carolyn Jessop who left a radical polygamist cult after their leader began to preach the apocalypse. Pretty interesting so far, though I'm only halfway through. She tends to... repeat points a few times, but not to the extent that it's become extremely irritating as of yet.

Today is my hair cut, tomorrow is school pictures, voopvoop.

And now I must go as the bell rang.

Things are so-so, but awesome, because I have food.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 19:19:58 GMT

My birthday was cool, other than some minor drama, which was resolved well enough, soon enough. Yeahhh pretty rad. That was back in August, though, ha!

Uhm.
Hallowe'en's coming up, and I still have no costume to wear, but I'm trick-or-treating with Em, so that'll be kickass.

I have 5$ to my name foreveeer until I can finally get a job BLOODY HELL I WANT A JOBsgdkljlsjdgjlksfjlk;shfkl;sfajkljhdj.
Oh, right... I have to apply to that Grouse Mountain thing today before 4... I should do that... I was supposed to go to the job fair for it yesterday, but my father was as unreliable as ever. Oh well.

I've been watching Umineko No Naku Koro Ni, being the Higurashi whore that I am. It's... alright. Not as good as Higurashi so far, buuut we shall see. Alsooo recently torrented every single OST associated with Higurashi in any way ever. MY iPOD IS OUT OF SPACE. ; ; 8 GIGABYTES AND I CANNOT FIT WHAT I WANTjkghdshhsdg I am sad.

Ohohoohohodfjhdf Waylan, my boyfriend, relatively recently and very wholeheartedly confessed thatthatthat he loved me. ; ; FfffffffffffffffffffI just felt like barfing becausebecause I reciprocated and fuuu we are just I don't even we are so in love and that is all I can really say, aha. This sounds so cheap when I just type it out. Yeah, young, naive, yaddayadda. We've been taking it very slowly, and I don't feel that I need to prove myself, because I know with complete clarity that what I feel is true, and that I already have to those who matter to me, and that we're both completely honest about that and with each other, and that's all that really matters. Ffffanyways. Andandand run on sentences everywhere.

For the love
of all that is good and holy
I hate
CFox.
SO MUCH OH MY FKLHSAKJDjkghsdg

I normally don't listen to the radio, but when I get up in the mornings and I'm changing/getting ready for classes, I prod it on with my foot for background noise.

CFox, or 99.3 FM, in our area, iiis generally a rock station. What crazy kids would consider 'rock' nowadays, anyways. The crew is a pretty rad group, and so are entertaining enough.

...As most stations do, they are holding a contest at this point in time.
Well, they've been holding more than one, as they... also... normally do, but one of their main ones right now...

...

; ; MAKES
; ; ME
; ; CRY.

http://www.cfox.com/contests/race_to_the_gate.aspx

Shit.

My boyfriend lives in Kaua'i AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GODDAMN HUNK OF A ROCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN THAT HOLDS MY DEAREST PERSONfgjklsdghjkhsdf. ; ;hflks ;;;;;;; I DON'T CARE AT ALL ABOUT STUPID TOURIST ATTRACTIONS AND HAWAII AND HONOLULU AND MAUI CAN GO SUCK MY EPEEN.

Today I was all
oh
I should
look up that contest
even if it's a long shot and I barely ever win anything
and
even though he plans to visit mid/late next year and
yeah
but
it'd be cool to try.

So I did
and
I LOVE FINE PRINT AHAHAHA
"Must be 21 years of age or older and have a valid passport. Trip dates are January 18-22, 2010. "

I fulfill all of those qualifications, excluding the foremost one.
I AM 18 AND A LEGAL ADULT BY AMERICAN STANDARDS NOW. I DO NOT DRINK. ; ; WHY DO I HAVE TO BE OF DRINKING AGE. I DON'T LIKE LIQUOR. IS THERE A WAY THAT YOU COULD PUT SOME SORT OF TOXIN IN MY BODY THAT WOULD CAUSE ME TO IMMEDIATELY KEEL OVER IF I CONSUMED ANY?! PLEASE?! PLEASE FILL ME WITH TOXINS!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-
okay I'll stop wangsting.
Just
ughhdfjkh.

Sooo yeahhh.
Recently got my cell phone back up. It'd been out for the past week and a half again, annnd our home phone is still out. It has been since... mid summer. We really... sort of... require it for a lot of the things that our family... does. I don't like the phone, and don't chatter away too much myself, but there's an exception to that when it comes to long-distance friends/connections (annnd even then, we don't have long-distance, so they normally call me). My mother keeps wangsting about it, as she uses it quite frequently, and she feels 'cut off from society'. That, and she complains about money in general. Moneymoneymoneymon- my house is like the house in The Rocking-Horse Winner... horrible reference ohoho. I wish I didn't suck at betting on horses. I'd be too cheap to gamble most of the time, though. I'd rather hoard money and only spend it on things such as that if I really had quite a lot to spare, and even then, would only expend a bit...

Famry doesn't have enough money for any credit cards. My dad might... have a secret one right now, but I know my mother's out, and he doesn't have any that he can use to buy things like groceries and other minor expenditures. I'm out of FFXI because of that - the fact that my mother's credit cards are shut down. Sooo, even if I have the cash for it, myself, I can't play until that's resolved. No idea when that'll be.

...KAUA'I GODDAMNIT. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Fff... I really dislike money. Paper. Metal. Whoopee.

I used to be able to call him on my dad's cell phone in the evenings and on weekends, because he has free long distance then. We made sure to contact our provider initially to confirm that Hawaii was included, and it was... until we got a bill for 450$ for the first month.

...And then 1398$ for the second... I'd stopped calling immediately after we got the first bill, of course.

I was, understandably, flipping my shit on the inside at this, but my dad was very calm about it and said that it was neither of our faults, and that he'd make sure to get credit for it from the company, as that's just... BS. We'll see how it works out.

...I bought a 20$ long-distance phone card on Saturday... which leaves me with 5$, as I said before... We burned the entire card last night. ; ; /pathetic

I'd skype him, but... I can't get on the computer as much as I'd like. Also... my sister's rabbit chewed up my headset/mic a year or two ago, and though I was promised a new one, I have yet to receive it.

I still really need bras. :c

...I was finally able to get my dad out to fulfill his latelate promise of scheduling a haircut for me, though, aha. I am pleased.

In other news,
I was actually able to make lunch for myself today.
AN ENTIRE SANDWICH OH MY LORD FOOD I LOVE FOODJHgjkghhomnhonghfkdg good food. ;w;
I am eating it now
I am going to eat it
...

~*~I ate it~*~

IN RECENT NEWS

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 06:22:36 GMT

So hi.

I basically just deleted one of my super long LJ ranting-to-catch-up-on-my-life posts, and am now incredibly frustrated. Fuck my life. In my rage, I will now, instead, update on my life by throwing up things in point form. Hopefully this will go better than previous attempts. If you want details, comment and ask, otherwise, I will simply be giving you the skeleton of things.

-Parents are meh, but better than 'normal'.

-Our family is supersuper poor; scraping by on whatever dollars we can get. We are in debt in some areas, have not paid many taxes, and had to relinquish our second car.

-Mom still drinks, dad still does pot, Chloe's still clingy, though not as bad as before (she still flips at any mentioning of me moving out, though).

-My birthday is coming up, I will be 18 on the 29th.

-My eldest dog, Beckett, had to be put down. I love him very much, and he will be missed.

-I met one of the most incredible people in the world and am now lucky enough to be with him. He was actually the 'rad guy from FF' that I mentioned in my previous entry, ha. We have known each other for over six months, have been together for over two, and yes, he is long distance at the moment, haha. Feel free to punch me. I would elaborate, but I'm frustrated with LJ. He is rishfee, and hhrngngshsfdhjsd don't feel I rushed into anything, I took our entire situation slowly until we were both positive about everything that was to be positive about, and now I'm just auuugh he is amazing and I am so blessed andand he means to me so mhgjskdfh n'kay I'll stop ranting now. Now. I am stopping because I said that I would not. Stop.

-I am currently bumming up in Nelson with Em at her grandparents', as she was very generous to invite me for two weeks. I'll be back in Vancouver by this upcoming Monday.

-I am banned from being in my house from the early morning to evening five days a week. This law has been laid down by my parents. I am not permitted to be with friends during this time, though (excluding weekends/the fact that I am currently in Nelson. This trip actually took a decent amount of persuading and last-minute figuring out when it came to monetary woes).

-Still looking unrelentingly for a job, have handed out countless resumes. The recession and summer competition is just killer. Was half a day away from obtaining one at EB Games (the manager and senior sales associate loved me at the interview), until someone who had already worked within the company before applied and snatched it up from me.

-I need a haircut, but am not sure if I want to grow it longer or... what. I at least need a trim to my bangs or... I really don't know. I don't even know if I want to/should redye it again. I'm so bad with this sort of thing as it is.

-Brenna is coming up to visit on the 12th or 13th for about a week! Hurrah, hopefully during my birthday.

-My sister and dad are flying to visit my grandma in Alberta for 9 days, during my real birthday, boo. That's alright, though. I plan to... plan... my get-together while Brenna's here, as it is. I just realized this means that I will be spending nine days with my mother. Uhoh.

-I have not seen/met up with/spoken with enough of my friends who deserve more of my attention. I wish I could, but things have been busy and hindering. Story of my life, basically, and my apologies to all of you.

-I am returning to one last semester/half a year of high school to finish up and finally get out of the place. Fortunately, I'll at least have Darrasu-kun there to lulz at how old we are compared to most others in our grade.

-I am being a greedy-goblin by taking over Em's computer for such a long time. I know that both she and Bianca back in Vancouver crave it so that they may cyber with each other within burning houses about gouged eyes andand anyways, yes. I shall now depart.

Ah, in closing, though, actually... I'm pretty well. Nothing's extremely horrendous at the moment, I'm relatively pleased (this might all be because I'm away from the family, but they haven't been screaming as often because I've been keeping my distance as it is, and it's not the 'school-season'), and I have quite a few people who are very important to me in my life - how can I go wrong, there?

LJ isn't allowing me to view any of yours guys' 'mature' entries. I had this issue before, because I was a dork and admitted to my real age when I first signed up; so, I changed my birth date and it temporarily resolved the issue, but... once more, it's not working. I'm not sure why this is, or if I have to wait until my 18th birthday for it to be resolved. If I do, no biggie, it's pretty close, haha.

Best wishes to all of you, uh... We can only wish that I'll start to update more often so things don't pile up on me and I don't have to rant about them as I do for chunks at a time. Feel free to ask about any specifics on anything I just mentioned, if you guys feel the need. ene

FARE THEE WELL.

kjasfhkjsdhgklhsdfa

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 19:17:01 GMT

What

what
oh
what
I
I-I'm alive I just
wait
let me catch my bre-
OSHI-
NO, IT'S CATCHING UP, I CAN'-
LIFE, IT'S RIGHT BEHIND M-
gjlsdhkjghhkfaskdasgt.

A brief summarization to let a few of you know what's been going on:

-Principal convinced my parents to let me stay in school, though it's doubtful I'll fully graduate before summer ends. Summer school/distance education is not an option for me, mother doesn't agree with the idea of it. Might head into the Lucas Center program instead of coming back to this abhorred place... mainly made abhorred by the grade below me, which I would have to take classes with.

-Sorted out living situation with my dad. Kind of. More towards the fact that... he spoke with my mother (wow, he kind of stood up to her) and said that he wasn't going to kick me out as long as I was at least attending school. That took priority over getting a job immediately and adding more to my load. REALLY?

-I really do want a job (WOW WE HAVEN'T HEARD THIS BEFORE, AHAHA), and have been keeping my eye out for something that would fit my schedule, but I have to watch over my sister (or just be in the house to make sure she's alright) more often than not when I'm not in classes. The only free times I have are during the weekend, and even then, things tend to get sprung on me ("oh woops funeral, get ready in a half hour", "oh woops going on vacation for a week, look after pets, Chloe staying at a few friends'").

-SPEAKING OF VACATIONS, they're doing it again, ahahahah (oops, I wasn't supposed to mention it to anyone for fear of having friends coming over and having HYOOGE DRUNKEN TEENAGE PARTIES. I most definitely drink, and most definitely go to parties, and am most definitely that much of an idiot. Of course. Durhur). I'm surprised my mother hasn't taken one of her "NO SHE'LL BREAK EVERYTHING OUT OF THE SPITE AND RAGE I DEFINITELY KNOW SHE HOLDS FOR US"-standpoints. They'll be gone for a week to ten days? I forgot where they're going... they only mentioned it last night, and I think they're leaving this evening after my appointment, or tomorrow morning.

-AGHHH yes, appointment. New therapist. Again. Jennifer. She's pretty alright compared to the ~~few~~ many I've been tossed between over the past half a year. My first therapist, Rosa... it might've been a bad thing that she was AMAZING. I had such high standards afterwards, haha. But, uhm, I'm heading into a new counseling thing they introduced within the past year or so that should last... quite a while. 10 or 12 sessions? I've forgotten. It has to do with building tools to deal with being torn down repeatedly, ahahahfhasjklfhjkdghaldf I don't know, we'll see. Apparently it's SUPER STRUCTURED, so I can't get sidetracked and really... go to her anymore to just vent. Not for the entire session, anyways, because we'll be ~working~ on things.

-Uh... I dyed over my hair with another layer of blonde. Over the copper. Without bleaching it again. So it's... what... reddish blonde? I don't even know how to describe it.

-I just got major deja vu.

-Sir dicksalot.

-OH I GOT POKEMON PLATINUM WHEN IT CAME OUT THOUGH I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN MY STARTER YET BECAUSE I'VE BEEN RESTARTING THE GAME FOR THE PAST MONTH OR SO JUST TO GET THE STARTER I WANT WITH A SPECIFIC NATURE AND STATS AHAHAHAFGHAHSKGsajkldf I'm such a freak/perfectionist/twitchy gamer. I had to take a break from Diamond because I spent three weeks trying to catch a shiny Raltz. I REFUSE TO USE A GAMESHARK OR WHATEVJHEJKRHsdfklgaf.

-I met this totally rad guy on FFXI who I will elaborate on later. But yeah, he's pretty rad, and has made me enjoy FFXI a lot more (-again).

-I had a pretty good weekend up until me realizing that my ghetto bag - that is more duct tape than bag - lost my wallet. BAWWW. I had all of my purikura (oh no, only two sessions worth) and the little money my ghetto self was attempting to save up. For things. Thingalings. I was out until 1 or 2AM last night scooting around the quay to see if I had (maybe, possibly, but not) dropped it around there. Oh well.

-I am sorry for the spam.

AND NOW I MUST DEPART.. I apologize if I seem like a total jerk for being inactive and not being... reply-y... and... not commenting on people's journals as of late. Nevermind journals, just, everywhere. I'M NOT NOT DOING IT BECAUSE I DISLIKE YOU, OR FIND YOU BORING, OR WHINY, OR THAT I FEEL I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO ON THE INTERBUTTS. I miss talking with a lot of you, EVEN IF YOU DON'T MISS ME, BAW. The internet just hasn't been very accessible for me as of late (again, WHAT'S NEW?).

Fare thee well, for now.

LEARN IT, LIVE IT, LOVE IT

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 23:22:14 GMT

I'M SORRY I'M POSTING TEN MINUTES AFTER MY LAST POST BUT
BUT
I GUESS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THE WANGST THIS IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT, SO
I saw this a week ago and was going to share it with those who hadn't already seen it, and then I... forgot... and... I just saw it on TV again, and... why do I find this amazing. I genuinely adore this.

Withdrawing From Schoool, Ugh

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 23:04:37 GMT

Blargle
throat's feeling better, still not sure what it initially was, but hopefully that means I didn't... have tonsillitis and it... somehow went away for a bit... I don't know.

Things're going down down down again.

Couldn't go to Sam's birthday; sorry buddy. ; ; I really wanted to come. I AM GETTING YOU YOUR PRESENT AS SOON AS I CAN WHETHER YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE IT OR NOT. You'd better tell me about the ~STUPENDOUS ADVENTURES~ YOU GUYS HAD.

Parents are pressuring me to withdraw from school.
Have to decide by this Tuesday if I'm doing that and getting a full-time job, because I'll have the time to if I do withdraw, to pay them hundreds~thousands of dollars per month to stay in the house, or... I don't know.

I've really wanted to try distance education, or going to one of the local ed. centers since forever ago, but I put off asking my parents about it because I knew they'd never buy it. They'd comment that I was just attempting to find an easy way out again, that everyone has to go through this, that they were beaten and abused as kids and I should feel grateful, etc.. That if I had the motivation to do that, why not high school?

Nng, I know that, I feel badly enough. Not for myself, but for the shit I've made them put up with, made my sister put up with, made all these workers put up with. Dumbass trouble. Just not doing the work. I don't know. Burdening.

I just think the distance ed., or the centers would be a really good idea for me, because I could work at my own pace. I haven't tried in almost four years now. Not to the extent I used to be able to, at least, if that makes sense. I've fallen out of knowing how. I think I mentioned this before in one of my previous entries. I have the intelligence to learn these kind of things (or so I'd like to think), but I don't have the common practices, or habits, or... I'm not sure how else to describe it.

Grah.
I guess I'm off to try and eat more than one meal today aaaghhh what is up with my eating habits lately.

Maybe If I Bake A Fly Pie, It'll Leap Out Of My Throat

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:10:41 GMT

Hnnnnnnnnnnng I feel like a cheese grater fashioned into a small ball was lodged down my throat for half a week, and I'm only now feeling the effects of the swelling/healing/whatever. I can't swallowww.

Well, SHOULD BE healing, even though I'm spitting out blood. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYyyfgsdhf WHY HAVE I BEEN SICK FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS NOW WHEN I HAVE AN IMMUNE SYSTEM OF STEEL HRNNNNGGG. Going into the doctor after school either really quickly before ~family therapy~ today... or after... I guess...

Let's see let's see what's been a-hippenin' and a hoppinin'...

Went to Em's house last week to attempt a redye at my EXTREME ROOTS. Didn't... work out exactly as planned... So I went to my normal hair place to fix it.

Also... didn't work out exactly as planned. HOW DID IT TURN OUT COPPER. And that cut that cut how did you even cut it like that I mean hghgnhsdfg okay calm down we've already gotten over this. Yay 85$ wasted overallllll. I'm supposed to call her today if it hadn't "fixed itself" by now. I'm hoping that means she'll let me go in to get it 'fixed' (even though that's what I went to her for in the first place) without having to spend more money.

Didn't go to Keikon because I was sick at that time, as mentioned, and because I didn't have the cash for it after that unfortunate splurge. Oh weeell. I heard they didn't have a dance/rave (the hell?), and that's a large part of why I'd go to such a small con (other than the hanging out with friends/meeting new friends bit, that's pretty much it).

Oh! Oh! I watched Tekkonkinkreet in Digital Media the other day (didn't have much else to do... had completed all of my necessary assignments, and the class tablet was in use, sooo...). I was very pleeeased with it when it came to the animation (though some elements of it took some getting used to), and the music by Plaid AHHHHHHHHhhhfhsdk. Yeah, pleasing. There was something in the plot that was just... it twinged at me a bit. A little bit missing, I don't know. I don't disagree that it's a great movie, and definitely something I'd recommend or watch again, but it's not one of my absolute favourites.

HAHAHAHAHA OH MAN YOU GUYS LEHKO HABHOKA FROM FFXI HAHAHAHAFJKHdjkashsdfjl (the only male mithra introduced in the game so far - IT WAS A BIG, BIG DEAL WHEN PEOPLE FIRST FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM - for anyone who doesn't know). I just got up to the "A Feast For Gnats" quest for the Windurst Campaign alliance-whatever-mahooey (on the eighth mission for Wings of the Goddess, I think), and MAN I just can't even explain... how incredible the WotG expansion pack is...

Spoilerific (though not really. Not much happens and you can barely see the text, to be honest) link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4yvjOrLW8E

You can't see the text, and obviously the person playing has a different character than me, but the scenes in the middle are just hilarious, and that's a very small portion of your encounters with him in the quests/missions they've patched in so far. He's an over dramatic pansyboy, but at the same time it's obvious he's aware of that and has an underlying cunning and hurhurfadurf characters with decent personalities. I would subject you to the clips in which he's literally harpooned after by many a female mithra, but I'll hold myself back on that. You can find them easily enough if you type in, "When One Man Isn't Enough" into youtube.

~SPOILERS FOR FFXI WoTG~
In that clip he encounters a mithra sin hunter who's, apparently, out for his head for whatever reason, or she THINKS she is ~~idk man~~... he shoos her away after a series of events, then you pop ouuut annnnd he speaks with you a biiit... and then COLLAPSES FROM A HEART ATTACK.

Which you find out ten seconds later was actually him just being a nancyboy at not eating for a while. You have to get him food that he likes before he'll cooperate with you pffffffhssdfhafjklsd. I WENT ALL THE WAY TO CARPENTER'S LANDING AND FISHED UP A GODDAMN MUDDY NEWT AND WENT TO SOME STUPID TONBERRY TO GET IT COOKED ESPECIALLY FOR HIM and I could have just bought some other fish off of the auction house but NOOOO CHAYCE YOU HAVE TO ~DO~ THINGS BECAUSE YOU ENJOY ~ACCOMPLISHING~ THINGS AND HRNNGhkds
I-I'm so weird.
~No more spoilers~

I want to cosplay him so badly. I have the perfect natural hair for him, too. His outfit would be SUPER ANNOYING HRNNNG to make (feathers ahhhhh feathers and dangly bits) but absolute bliss to wear! So fun so fun so fun. Nevermind being in character ahhh I would have so much fuuun. I think this has become one of my ~personal dream~ cosplays.

HA. My dancing friend (well, actually, he's a Blue Mage... but... but in real life he dances... so... 8/) wants to be Aquila. As in, he's aspiring to be him. I HAVE AWESOME FRIENDS DON'T I AHAHAHAHAHA WE ARE INTO COOL THINGS AHAHA oh god why do I exist. Anyways, Aquila... He's a childish, Lilith-related, fomor-looking hume, who summons dark, high-level dragons by prancing on his heels and clapping in a ridiculously amusing manner. Last I spoke with my friend, he was logging off to practice the dancing, clapping, prancing, and then tantrums, sniffling, and beating of fists upon the ground that characterize Aquila so well. All I basically said was, "Pix or it didn't happen."

I can't wait to see this.

Gggggggin other news, family therapy is... interesting. Dad bawwing, mom nodding and smiling at EVERYTHING SAID EVER TO INFINITY AND BEYOND, and sister rolling all over the room in boredom and/or discomfort, hooooooo~
But yeah! My sister's finally getting a counselor she can speak to by herself... after asking me about one for over three quarters of a year... so that's good, I suppose...

I've fallen into one of my a-bit-more-absent-from-things-in-general,-compared-to-usual,-at-least phases as of late because of how sick I've been, and just... for reasons... so, just a heads up to those who might be wondering where I am.

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 21:09:14 GMT

Hey guys I had a pretty cooliooooo Saturday evening. I HAD A HOT ASIAN DATE except not really
ilu Jojo
my daughter and girlfriend AT THE SAME TIME.
Em, being cool, ~~pestered~~persuaded me to tag along with them to some dance, and dressed me up in some Dandy fashion stuff. I bound, and wore seven inch pumps/boots.
Needless to say, I ached pretty badly for the next day.
I'd post pics buuuuut eh. I don't know. I KNOW YOU GUYS DON'T CARE WHAAAAAAAAmbulanceoh hey hahaha an ambulance just went by, that's pretty kickin'.

I'm reading Brave New World and I like it so far, because I can; SCREW YOU.

IN OTHER NEWS, BAAAA-

I did something so fucking stupid this morning.

I woke up and felt like crap; physically and emotionally, was hacking and shaking and blahblahblah, poor me, deal with life Chayce.
I knew I had to get up and go, so I started to do so. Looked at the time; great, no chance for a shower. Blahblahblah.

I'm not in the mood to say much right now, but, I basically decided, 'Fuck everything' went downstairs when my mother stopped yelling and had to take my sister to school, grabbed my sneakers, brought them upstairs, hid them and my bag, and hid myself in bed after calling in at school.

I could say my friends are a bad influence, COUGHPAAAIGECOUGHEMMMCOUGHYOU GAIZZZZ GO TO SCHOOOOOL but it's my fault so hurhurfderp.

Mother came upstairs a half hour later and I jerked when she opened the door, which gave me away completely because I have a loft bed with fucking wind chimes and shit attached to the bottom and I'm just goddamn stupid.

Que yelling/screaming, getting dad, more yelling/screaming, etc. etc. etc..

What did you really expect, Chayce. Seriously.

I just now found out I've lost my tablet pen, and considering where it COULD be, considering where I HAVE been with it, I have a 5% chance of finding it. FUCKING AWESOME.

Oh, and my mother asked (HAHA ASKED MORE LIKE SCREoh I don't even care) me if I'd actually gotten that blood test, when I've told 218937897213 fucking social workers, my dad, her, fdjkahjksdfa EVERYONE FIFTY TIMES THAT I DID BECAUSE NONE OF THEM WOULD BELIEVE ME FOR WHATEVER REASON. I WENT BY MYSELF, YOU KNOW, ON TRANSIT, THAT THING I USE A LOT AND AM CAPABLE OF USING BY MYSELF. I WENT IN, HANDED THEM THE SHEET, AND THEY TOOK MY BLOOD. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IF THE DOCTOR APPARENTLY HASN'T GOTTEN THE RESULTS IN YET HOLY FUCKING SHIT DON'T SCREAM AT ME OVER THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL JUST BECAUSE YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WHAT'S WORST AKA NOTHING AKA SHIT AKA I DON'T EVEN KNOW, IN YOUR MIND HHGHGHGNNNGNG.

I also just realized that in my haste to get out without being smacked I forgot to put a bra on. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy haha I have my binding bandages in my bag maybe I could
no
no that's a bad idea.

Also, to everyone that remembers me saying that I might be going to Keikon, yeah, I really don't know what's going to happen for me this weekend (HA AM I PSYCHIC OR WHAT). I don't really want to give out any hope on this, I'm really sorry. I'm disappointed in myself, and disappointed that there's a good chance I can't come, either. The only possibility of me going, considering what's been transpiring lately, is if something actually happens this Wednesday at this meeting thing.

Ah, yeah, apparently our family counselor (who I've only met once, my sister twice, and my parents 8297389723 times, ha) and another worker or two is meeting with myself, my dad, my mother, and maybe my sister (though I doubt it) to ~find a solution~ to
I don't even know
it's a halfass attempt at finding an immediate solution.

I'm pretty sure it's only going to make things worse.

I hate being intelligent enough to know that something is most likely being done wrong, whether it's by my hand or not, or aware enough to realize what's bad or good, but too stupid to really know what else to do about it. This is pretty much what nips me in the butt every single time something explodes.

I'm so miserable right now, and yet there's that whole, "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO FEEL MISERABLE YOU MISERABLE ARSE." part of me. I really don't know what I'm going to do after school (I MAKE THIS SOUND SO DRAMATIC HAHA). I have a therapy appointment with the third therapist they've transferred me to so far (haha, thxsystem u r so grate) at 4:30... so I'll have to get change and then wander for a bit, go there, and... my cell's close to dead (so I can't text), Em has my charger, but I really don't know who I should call, or if I should... go somewhere... like off a boat or building or GIANT ROBOT ffffffff.

Nnghggsdfhgdfs a guy at my school who I'm pretty coo' with, on Friday, actually approached me and said, "Hey, if you need a place to stay, we'll have a spare room once our Japanese student leaves..." etc. etc. all concerned-like. It was, uh, kind of out of the blue, and I was a bit taken aback, but, I was genuinely thankful and said so. I kind of gave him the, "Though, that's a big thing to offer me, and it's your parents' house, annnd it'd involve you putting up with me and putting up with me moving in and my family drama annnd ahahaha yeah uhm. Yeah."

Em also said I should live with her and Paige has kind of suggested it and so has Jojo (YOUR ASIAN PARENTS WOULDN'T WANT MY SHIT) but fff you guys you shouldn't... say these kind of things. Really. I understand that you live there and think you might have the space, and that you're concerned, but a human being takes up more than just space, unfortunately, and the majority of you are not paying for the households that you're residing in. It's a humongous thing for me to take, and I'm bad enough with receiving giftssssdhdsahg hurrrrrrrgh I can't even
ngg
just
/barf
idk idk idk
-AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWthe end.

Aughh I've been chewing through my bottom lip repeatedly and I just
keep forgetting not to and
even when I remember I just don't stop
BLEEDING HORRENDOUSLY AHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhfdfsh if I keep doing it eventually the pain will stop. c: c: c: Amirite amirite. C8 I TAKE GOOD CARE OF MYSELF.
On the plus side, I just realized my wrists and stomach aren't horrible lately because I've been chewing my lip instead of scratching/tearing myself open in the middle of the night.

I'll be on ebuddy until, maybe, a bit after 3 today because of ~computer~-involved classes and such... depending on if the sub librarian closes up early... again... nng, if any of you wanted to know, like Saaam or Ariannaaa or whoever, though I don't know if you'll be on, considering your school schedules.

Also, fuck you, Brenna, for hitting a homer on one of your comments in that conversation Jojo sent me.

>8C

HOW DARE YOU PLAY BASEBALL WITH MY OPERATING SYSTEM.

YES. LAZY GRAMMAR AND RUN ON SENTENCES.

LACKING NOSEBLEEDS

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 23:05:01 GMT

Uhm
I am confused.
Except
not really
at all.

Where is his typical animu reaction.
Nosebleed.
Blush.
Sparkly eyes.
Whatever.

I'm sorry, I just
I
I have to point these things out.

I guess Ailac doesn't believe in the SPIRIT OF SUMMERTIME FRUIT
AKA WATERMELON
AKA BREASTS.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:55:09 GMT

Yesssss two of my classes for this semester involve computers on a regular basis ahahahah
that's probably bad for my long-term efforts, but
nyeeeh.

Also it prooobably won't matter for too long... I might be moving into distance education or going to a center for
stuff
things
wow I am just
lazy today.

Uhh
okay, so, again, long-time no-post. A lot, lot, lot has been going on lately, as expected, but, I can't remember most of it. Uhm... I forget things worryingly easily.

Went to the doctor a while ago, she took about 45 minutes to evaluate me. Seemed concerned, said I was too-too pale (uhm, that's kind of a given with me, but alright), said I might be vitamin-deficient, and that she "thinks there's something in [my] blood".

Uhm
okay.

I asked her what she meant by that, and she responded with, "Well, I really shouldn't say, because I'm legally responsible for your well-being - within certain boundaries - and mentioning it, considering your situation and stability, might disrupt your mental blarghablarghblarghfghsdjkfhasd."

Alrighty then, miss, that's reassuring.

She gave me a sheet to take to the nearest life labs to get a blood test. Said she wanted me to do that asap and then get back to her, also asap, after receiving my results. It's been about two and a half weeks and I haven't gotten anything... so, still waiting on that. The woman who took my blood couldn't find my pulse for five minutes. Had to switch arms five times. AHHHhhhhthanks for the added suspense.

I aaache alll the tiiiime and creak and feel so so so so so weak and hurgghghfhg argh fuck I hate this.

We've been studying Beowulf in Lit for the past two weeks or so, and one of our more recent assignments was to draw what we, personally, thought Grendel might look like.

EVERYONE IN THE CLASS DREW A GREEN, SLIMY, BALD, HUMAN-LIKE FIGURE. EVERYONE. With claws and fangs that were either black or yellow, of course. Some people removed legs and added tentacles, but that was pretty much the only variation.

Excluding me. :c I was over in my corner sketching something A BIT MORE UNIQUE, but, blahblah, full of myself, anyways.

I'm going to dig into religion here and ask something. Do you guys know the story of Cain and Abel? First and second sons of Adam and Eve; both presented an offering to God, and God took a liking to Abel's gift of a portion of his flock, but didn't enjoy Cain's offering of the crops he'd cultivated from the land. Cain became furious/envious, and in his envy, murdered his brother Abel. There are bunch of similar though not exact endings to it, but they all lead to the general conclusion that Cain was 'damned' after that, in a way, and from then on the ancestors of Cain were considered close to, if not truly, demonic.

From some of the references made in the story of Beowulf after the monks got their hands on it, it's noted that Grendel was considered an ancestor of Cain.

Our class had a huge discussion on why one should or shouldn't feel sympathy for Grendel. I was on the 'should' side, though it wasn't sympathy that I felt, but empathy.

There were a lot of points made that hit kind of
uh
close to home for me, so I got pretty into it.

Fuck.
Alex made a really, really good point that I would have liked to back up with real-life experiences, but that's not... legit, and I'm not going to throw my personal life into Lit discussions, haha. I wish I could remember half of what was said. Again, ugh, my memory is just horrible lately.

Hahaaa we also watched a video compilation of a bunch of interviews of Muhammad Ali and compared them to Beowulf's mannerisms/psyche.

Valentine's is this Saturday. I think. Wait. When is it.

...Yeah, I think it's this Saturday. Wow, that came fast.

I don't much care for it. The only part of me that enjoys it is my gluttonous/greedy side (hurrah chocolate/candy/whatever else). It's not that I hate it or don't like it. It's that I just don't care for it. It doesn't excite me. I don't feel for it much at all. It bothers me a bit, because I don't like holidays that center around ~being together~ and ~loving one another~ ~etc.~, but that's pretty much it. No, not because I'm a REBELLIOUS, AGAINST-SOCIETY TEENAGER WHO DESPISES AFFECTION, LOVE, OR ANY KIND OF PLEASANT FEELINGS, but because I think it's, simply put, ludicrous that we need to have single days in which we celebrate or try to have these kind of things. I know it's a far stretch for me to say, "We should really practice these habits on a more regular basis, even if it means not doing so to the extremes, or with the flair that we would on these holidays." but it would be nice, heh.

...I should be a hypocrite and make this fun for myself by making Valentines and sending them out to my long-distance friends, some of them being you guys. Letters are cheap/no money so I'd be able to get them out easier than the scarves which I haventjhasdaklsdh;ahsdjk;asdjk /wrist /wrist I'M SORRY. Goddamn shipping. THEY'RE SITTING IN MY ROOM AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhgfhfds.

Alsooo Keikon the weekend after this weekend. And Sam's birthday. Andhhfghdsgf. I'm not all that excited for Keikon, to be honest, for whatever reason. I'm not that excited about much anymore ahhhh but Sam's birthday should be fun, I know that. DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO BUY ME MANGO FOR THAT PAVLOVA, YOU DORK FHGFHFGSdsfgj.

Also-also I FINALLY CAUGHT AN UXIE AND AZELF I'M OKAY WITH. AND A DIALGA HOLY SHITHISDjsdfh. Which means I finally compeleted my sighted-Pokémon 'dex, which means I finally have the Pokéradar, which means I can finally start my dream team. It took me 48 resets (and I only recently learned what a soft-reset is orz) for Dialga, and I still wasn't that pleased with his attack, but whatever. I stopped counting with Azelf. It takes goddamn forever to catch any of the legendary lake trio, nevermind one with stats/a nature you like. Again, I wasn't too pleased with Azelf's attack, BUT HIS SPEED WAS SO GOOD HOLY CRAP and his special attack makes me feel all squishy inside. Uxie is another story.

...And I will probably never use any of these legendaries in a 'team', considering I'm probably only going to be partial to non-legendary and non-pseudo-legendary link/wifi battles... Wow.

...It doesn't help that I'm completely anal and refuse to catch them in anything other than a normal Pokéball.

Wow, this entry was full of nothing.

I Don't Understand My Family

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:40:19 GMT

A 53" flat-screen LCD-whatever TV, a 40" to replace the 30" in my parents' room (BECAUSE THEY NEED A BIGGER ONE), a 450$ doll, and a Wii.

Okay, yeah, I appreciated the Wii. A lot. Thank you. Seriously. I didn't expect it at all considering you were kicking me out of the house two days prior.

But
just
I
what
the

fuck.

We're in a 'financial rut', and have been for the past couple of years, and yet you're both spending money on all of this. At first I thought it was just my mom (she was the one who mentioned the tv to me first. I only knew about the smaller one, first-off, too), but once all of this was opened it was obvious my dad was 'in on it' too.

We didn't buy groceries for the month of December and up until... yesterday... so that might've explained a bit of it. Also, all of the cell phones in our family are currently out because of unpaid bills.

I just
I
I don't even know.

I'm writing a vague idea of what happened in the past week or so in point form because I spent a half hour trying to type/rant and I just
I'm not
coherent
with the english and the writing and the communicating lately
very well
at all.

-Shitfest happened
-Parents called everyone that is involved with our 'Famry management' aka 'those who I bitch to about them being horrible people and me being perfect and etc. obviously'
-Social worker showed up the evening of Xmas eve
-She spoke to my parents briefly while they cheerily put up their usual front and etc. blahblah
-They stopped trying to physically force me out of the house afterwards, but nothing was really sorted out, as per the usual

~Within the week after~
-Everything was even more tense than usual, as expected
-Social worker brought up me going in to the doctor for a full check-up (IdkIdkIdk they want to find out if there's anything ~wrong with me~), which was originally brought up a month ago (parents were initially very defensive about this for some reason and found it to be a bad idea. I still don't understand why, but alright then)
-Mother finally consented to having this done, she only yesterday called the doctor about it and got me an appointment for the 20th
-Got Kurada's presents which AHHHHHhhdhsdf MADE MY EVERYTHING BETTER THANK YOU
-I went to Arianna's to get myself away from my parents in the hopes that [them - me for a bit = less pissyness]
-I stayed up two and a half days in a row, including the time spent travelling there, and generally had fun
-Sam got me Minish Cap shit yeah (daaaaamnit I can't believe I forgot to bring your present Sam ahhhghgghffd I'LL GET IT TO YOU SOON ENOUGH)

and finally

-fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkfshajasdgh

I've been losing hair at an abnormal rate for the past
uhm...
few months. I showed my dad what I'd meant and he kind of freaked out. He thought I was exaggerating and ahahahahno.

Also, cold.
Always
so
very
cold.
And in the weirdest situations.

The snow here has been ridiculous. We never get this much. The last time we got this much was when I was much younger before everyone was lolglobalwarming.
I got kind of lost on the way back from Arianna's house because of it. Two hour ferry ride, then the bus I take that's supposed to stop at Ladner went all the way to the airport instead. I took another bus to just get me straight to the seabus intstead of crossing the bridge, and that one decides to break down at 62nd and Granville. I get out and wait, while it's still snowing vehemently, and an hour passes. I see the bus coming, finally, but when it gets close enough it says it's FULLfkjshd. So I think, 'Alright, if I'm lucky, someone will get off at this stop. Yeah. Right. Okay.' it slows down ('yes!') and stops next to the broken down bus. 'Okay, so, he's talking to the other bus driver, no big, just wait, Chayce.' Yeah, uh, I waited. Another half hour. It didn't move. 'Um...'

It had gotten stuck in the snow upon stopping and losing momentum. AHHHH IRONY FFUKKCKCJSHFJK. So they spend the next half hour trying to get it started up, and do ('yes!')... and then it slides and slams into the other broken down bus, causing it to break down itself.

fdjladg
sgd
no other buses came

I finally just called my dad and waited three hours or so for him to come pick me up (thx btw dadlolol).
It was a long evening.

Oh, hay, also, since I got a wii (ALSO AHHH A DS DUE TO SOME THINGS AND FFF I'VE BEEN ASKED NOT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BUT I'M GETTING A DS fsdh I feel spoiled what the hell) I can ~play~ with any of you guys that have one, if you want. I have Pokemon Battle Revolution, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and I'm getting Diamond for my DS sooooooon so so so uhm
brawl or pokeidiocy anyone?

Uhm. I just got kicked off the music-Japan trip which I've been looking forward to for four years. Teacher withdrew me because she was worried about me not being able to handle it what with what's going on at my house.
Or something.
Oh well.

I don't know what else.
I just feel
I don't know
and I really want everything in my house to get better, but I don't see that happening, and...
and
nnn
at the same time I'm pretty much done, I've just completely given in. I used to be really passive, as it were, but now just... yeah.

I wish I could stop being a walking oxymoron.
I wish I could live for myself instead of just living for others, and yet stop being so selfish.

I wish I was more useful.

Also,
shut up you guys I'm not a furry I just appreciate the culture
a little bit
shut up.

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuck

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 00:16:19 GMT

Uhhhhh yeah hi everyone.
Haven't updated lately because I've been pretty busy with
things
and
stuff.

Uhm.

This is only really a quick announcement detailing that I'm going to be taking a hiatus until who knows when, again.

I'm literally on the verge of being kicked out of my house at the moment, aaahhhfffffahahah um. Yeah the last person who I thought would do this, my dad, is pretty much calling up people to 'have me removed'. They received a message from school detailing that I'm not doing so well in Social Studies, to say the least, this morning, even though my mark was recently brought up past 50%. I think the system screwed it up and sent an old letter saying I'm at 28% or something I don't knowww ahhh I'm done caring right now. Tired.

Uh,
so...
huh.

Parents are out at the moment, if you're confused as to how I'm able to get on. Just thought I'd 'fyi' everyone.

. . .Merry Xmas?

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:18:28 GMT

It's really awkward when you're turning the corner to get to class late, and you encounter your vice principle flirting with your digital media teacher.

...Yeah.

Uh...
my grandma left this morning. We had some cooool times.
...Not much else to say. It was pretty much the norm for my parents, unfortunately (minus any kind of drama my dad might have caused, though he rarely does), so blahblah repeat of everything.

I went to Metro with her, spent time with her doing other stuff... uh... I promised her a sketch or something for her birthday, and she's asked me to draw her cats. Or a cat.
...I don't remember the last time I drew a cat. We'll see how this goes, what with my un-skills.

Obsessive/infatuated with me/blahblah people have been saying or offering (aka FORCING) the idea of buying me hundreds of dollars in gifts. This makes me very uncomfortable. The good thing is is that ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT I AM NOT IN A POSITION TO BE WHAT THEY WANT ME TO BE blahblah so I'm not purposefully taking advantage of them. 8/ I don't want to be taking advantage of them, or seem like I'm trying to. I've been trying to tell them, "I hope you're not getting me these because you hope that..."
or, "I appreciate the thought very much, but you realize that..."
I'm bad with taking things, anyways, but I'm literally being offered bouquets of ball-jointed dolls, DS Lites, and anime DVD box sets.
tldr;
DON'T SPEND YOUR MONEY ON ME I'M NOT WORTH THAT MUCH BAW SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL.

I am killing myself over camping the Valkurm Emperor in FFXI. Nnnnng one-hour lottery spawn with an 18.6% chance of dropping that hairpin...
...Is this even worth it.
I'd go /THF for treasure hunter if it weren't for the fact that I need /RNG for widescan, and I have to go WHM so that I can use Flash for fast pulls.
...Wh-why am I even talking about this. What am I saying.
I should mention that I checked my 'Play Time' the other day on this retched thing of an MMORPG.
...I recently breached the 200 day mark. It was 200 days and 6 hours or something, bound to be more by now.
This means I have wasted over 200 days of my life playing this game. This doesn't mean I have logged in 200 times, or whatever else. It means I have spent a literal time of 200 days on this game. Well, at least on my main character.
I am horrible.

Oh hey, I finally got a couple of solos in choir this year. Seniors always get priority, and I'm there, so whoooo. It's for our Xmas performances, though (malls, ollllld homes, Xmas display... park... things I don't know stuff like that). I've got the ~~breaking-windows-pitch~~ highest part in Carol of the Bells, and a solo for about half of The Chipmunk Song (SHUT UP YOU GUYS I LIKE THIS SONG WHEN NOT SUNG BY WHINY RODENTS NNNgnnngfg). CHEER ME ON. >8C Please. S-seriously. I-I'm going to be s-singing in front of m-many people m-many times. I-I'm not excellent at that y-yet.

...I think there was a point to this entry, but I've forgotten. It was something important... some kind of question I had to ask everyone... aghuhughuhgghh what was iiit.
Well, I'm late to something, so...
I'll make another entry later tonight if I'm not too lazy/actually remember/blahblarrhghgldsfajffffffffffffffoh god I'm tired.

HAVE A LESS THAN SHITTY EVENING, EVERYONE.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 18:57:31 GMT

Sooo I was away over the weekend at Arianna's
...for only a night
...yeah.

I was planning to go this upcoming long weekend (no, not because of Thanksgiving. This is Canada, you guys, we had Thanksgiving in October), what with the professional development day (AKA teachers stay at school, students don't), but my dad sprung on me last-minute that my grandma's coming to visit. She's the last living by-blood-grandparent that I have. Hopefully my parents won't be yelling at each other while she's here, and at the same time I hope that they won't be laughing at every bad joke just to make things seem lighter.
Here's for hoping for too much, though.

Uh, but... yeah. I visited Arianna because it's looking like this weekend is a no-go for that (sorry, man 8C), and my dad had a business trip then that worked conveniently. He excused me from my last class and drove me over to the Island via ferry, etc. etc....

We got bubble tea at the amazing place called Hope Key or something. The couple there is ALWAYS HAPPY. ALWAYS. CONSTANTLY AT THEIR PEAKS OF HAPPY. I CANNOT DESCRIBE TO YOU HOW HAPPY AND OUTGOING THEY ARE. I ordered mango and blueberry with mango jelly. ¯\(ºдಠ)/¯

We went to see Twilight afterward.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHfhkaksdh OH GOD YOU GUYS. FUCKING SPARKLING VAMPIRES. JUST. JUST WHAT. I'd point out more that was just wrong, but... nevermind.
I hate that series.

I met my (apparently) newly assigned therapist/councilor/whatever. She seems nice, but... that's kind of... it. I've only had one session with her, and she's very, very joyful (not as much as the bubble tea couple though, fffff), but... she gets distracted really easily and goes off on poetic tangents about life. Also, she likes to show me the things she buys from infomercials, and how silly she is for doing so.
Whaaaaaat.

I'm doing the same thing I'm doing with my youth worker right now and giving her a chance before I decide on anything. Maybe I'm too spoiled/picky.

I have a session with her today, and our family councilor is supposed to pick me up after school and drive me down there (I could just take the bus, or walk, but I haven't even MET this woman yet, and I guess they... want me to). I feel kind of iffy on that. I've heard my mother speak about her to her friends, and she's said that she's (the family councilor) kind of airy/bubble-headed, but that she doesn't think our situation is as big a deal as the MCFD is trying to display.
...Or something.
I won't judge off of second-hand words, so, agaaain, I guess we'll see how that goes.

I'm still looking around for jobs, and I've asked my youth worker for help on that, as my schedule's really not all that lenient at the moment. I'd love to work night shifts (doing so later on in life when work is more of a priority would be awesome), but I can't spare the sleep, so I can't end up in a job that has the possibility for shifts that run late all the time. (Again, I guess I'm picky.)

I woke up at around 5:30 with bloody sheets.
No, shut up you guys, my lower regions didn't do its monthly explosion, thanks.
I'd scratched my stomach raw again in my sleep, even though I took a pretty hot shower that night (...or previous night? I don't know. The evening before) to try and seal up the damage I had already done and to get myself to stop leaking. Ahahaha yeah I make this sound so pretty.
I got up angrily and went downstairs to apply polysporin sparingly (as I've risk of becoming allergic to that, too, if I'm not careful with how often I apply it), non-adhesive medical pads, gauze, medical tape, etc.
Oh
uh
for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I have some fucked up medical condition that's basically some kind of anti-adaptation.
I have some rare version of atopic-ness that makes it so that if I'm exposed to something for excessive amounts of time, I can become allergic to it. If I'm distanced from it for a long enough time, the symptoms will start to go away, but... at the time that I'm allergic to it and start getting symptoms, my body will be hyper-sensitive to other things, as well, so I'll easily have reactions to them and... yeah, it's like a snowball rolling downhill, except the bottom of the hill isn't exactly defined.

Also, yay for run-on sentences.

My stomach and wrists were starting to heal, too, but now... nng.

I don't get rashes, I've just gotten very itchy, and so my body's defense is to scratch, and that results in gashes/raw/inflamed areas.

Don't you guys love how I spare you all of my personal issues? I'm such a great person.

My sister woke up this morning screaming. Freaked the hell out of me. Less-so because of shock, and more because of, "HOLY SHIT IS SHE OKAY."

She twinged a nerve really badly somehow, or that's what my dad assumed. Possibly from sleeping in an odd position. She was screaming and crying from 6:45 until I left, which was around 8:45. It seemed so bad that my dad called the hospital and spoke to them about it. She's terrified of going someplace like that, and started crying louder when she heard him on the phone. When he asked why it was such a problem, that he was only trying to help her get better, she started spilling out and stuttering that she could "stop crying" she could "try to stop being loud" if that was the problem, that if she was "being dramatic" she could try to stop, but anything but that.

._.

She sounded like me in some ways.

It made me pretty sad to hear it, haha.

The first thing that came to mind for me was that whenever my sister is sick and she coughs a decent amount because of it, that my mother screams at her for being over dramatic and threatens to take her to the hospital. She uses it as an imposing thing, and this morning it kind of backfired on her. Fffhgh and I know when my sister's being overdramatic; she isn't when that happens.

In closing, and this is more to myself, but-

I still miss you, Dawn.
I thought I had gotten over everything, but apparently not.
I feel stupid.
I feel weak.
I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting to try our bond again, to have it back (we always had something so much greater than friendship, haha, didn't we? I don't know what else to call it), because those are the vibes that I last got from you, and that was... what, almost half a year ago that we last spoke, that one time, before you disappeared again? And then half a year before that was when we actually frequented doing so...
Ugh.

I really wish you the best, hope that you're alright, safe, doing well. Better than before, at least.

I wish you could have felt open to speaking to me about all of those things you had done before just coming to me months later and saying, "I fucked up, and I didn't tell you because I know you don't like these things."
My only connection to you right now is an old phone number, an old address (both of which I'm too terrified to try, and that I refuse to try because I promised you all that time before you last came to me that I'd give you space until you said you would come to me. I don't know when, IF, that is, that promise became void, but I told you: I keep my promises).

I know it's probably just that you tired of me.
And I know that part of you not coming to me was my fault, because I've learned now that knowing someone involves give and take, not just give, and I can't expect people to trust me to help them unless I let them help me, too. (That doesn't mean I exert this thing I've learned, entirely, yet, but, at least I know.) I think we both did a bit of that; we loved each other too much.

I still love what we had
I still love the you that I had

I just wonder where that you has gone.

Hallowe'en and The Rest

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:37:32 GMT

Yes
yes, my dear sir sitting beside me
yes my belt is undone

WHAT'S IT TO YOU.

Why were you looking at my crotch, anyways.
Also, you reek of axe.
Stop it.
Stop reeking.

So, uh
hallowe'en
HOW DID IT GO FOR ALL OF YOU?
I EXPECT PICTURES AND TALES SPUN OF THE FINEST FECES IN ALL THE LAND.

Mine was better than previous years, so I'd have to say okay.

There was some drama involving the 'financially/emotionally starving artist with an interest in me', which was no fun at all, as it was just a repeat of most experiences with her. 8/ She arrived with three of my other friends, and one other I had yet to accustom myself to, and when she saw me in my Xmas town cosplay, things got a little rocky. She was the friend I had mentioned before that wanted me to cosplay Len.

There was a fault in planning and, the day before Hallowe'en or a bit before then she had told Emerald (a friend of mine that was with us on hallowe'en) that she wouldn't be cosplaying Kaito (because her cosplay hadn't arrived), and so, would be dressing up as something else with Em'. Em' passed this on to me, and I assumed, "Alright, then I suppose I'll cosplay Sora. I'll have to contact Jojo/Paige/etc. last-minute to see if they're okay with changing as well, though I'm sure they'll be thankful for the warmer choice in clothing, as I would be." So, I did as such, and luckily they didn't mind.

We changed plans. The next morning, on Hallowe'en, I woke up early to get all of my cosplay on (it takes me a couple of hours depending on the outfit...), got through school in it, walked home with Josh and Jimmy (the latter stayed at my house until 7 to carve pumpkins. Oh, speaking of which, Jaswinder, I've got a ~~stupid~~ picture I guess I'll post on the 'drawings' thread on GD when I can that's kind of a ~~stupid~~ present that I ~~stupidly~~ made in my limited half-~~stupid~~-hour time), waited for the rest to arrive, etc. etc. etc....

When she showed up IN Kaito cosplay and initiated in the drama fest, everyone else went about and did their thing: fixing outfits, eating dinner and just taking a break from transiting to my house.

Basically, we ignored her while she baw'd for two hours. Literally baw'd.

I know this sounds cruel, but things like this have happened 6 times so far in the time that I've known her, and I've only known her since the end of August.

I
am
sick
of it.

She cried her eyes out at my house's kitchen table, right next to my dad, while Bianca attempted to awkwardly console her. Only a couple of the friends there didn't really understand why she was upset (as the rest had already experienced it directly), but I explained it to them later in basic facts. All the same, again, I know it sounds rude, but she's a drama queen.

After everyone was ready and she was still crying, I had to confront her. So, I did. I stepped in front of her and gave her face-front what I felt she was doing, how it affected everyone else (including myself), and also gave her the room to say whatever it was she wanted to say. She said little.

"I am going to make an assumption at why you are upset right now. I'm going to assume that it's because I'm not in the outfit you wanted me to be in. If there is another reason, prove me wrong now, because I don't want to put words in your mouth or speak for you.

...No? Are you sure? Alright.

First off, I've already apologized for not being in the costume you wanted me to be in, but I'll say it again: I'm sorry. No, that does not mean I am going to change at this point in time. I've already told you how long it takes me to get out of this one, nevermind into the other. The reason I'm not dressed as Len is because yesterday, I was told by a reliable source, my friend, that you had told her that you were not going to dress as Kaito. Is this true?"

"Y-yes, but, I told her later that I was going to-"

"It's not her responsibility to relay to me what you decide immediately after you tell her it. That was your responsibility. It's not that I believe her over you, it's not that I consider either of you any less a friend, it's that I was given information, and I trusted where it came from, so I believed it. And, at the time, it was the truth."

"You should have spoken to me, not her. You should have asked me, it was my dilemma with you."

"No, that's unfair of you to say. Why would I have spoken to you about something I didn't know about? How would I have known it was a dilemma? I could have only known about it if you or someone else contacted me about it first. I didn't call to confirm with you because it was late in the evening last night, and you know that I have little computer access at the moment.

Now, I got into this cosplay this morning because at that time I believed you were not cosplaying as Kaito, and were doing something else with Emerald. I was fine with this because, for goodness sake, it was cold and raining out. It was a better idea for me to dress in velveteen and fur than a thin silk-like sailor boy's uniform, as it were. This isn't really relevant to what I'm trying to say, though.

Right now, it's not just me and you here. Both my mother and father are present, and this is a house that I do not own.

At the same time, there are seven other people here other than yourself. They are all waiting to go out trick or treating, and have been for the past two hours. They have been very patient. I am sorry if you're upset about this, again, but, there are things at hand that need to be taken care of. You are, most certainly, one of them, but from what you have told me and from what I understand (again, stop me and explain otherwise if this is not true), you are upset because I am not in the suited outfit you would like me to be in. This is not changing.

The thing is, even though this fact is not changing, that does not mean that you can't change the decision you've made up to this current time. You have multiple options.

Unfortunately, one of those options is not sitting on the chair you are sitting on, nevermind remaining in this house. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel, really, and I'm not saying you aren't welcome here overall; I'm not telling you to 'get out'. I am telling you that this is not my house, this is my parent's house. They are being very kind to put up with a rowdy group of eight teenagers, and I hadn't even planned to stay here for two hours, as it were. We need to leave, and that includes you.

Now, when I say include, I mean that I would like you to come with us. I see that you've taken off your costume, so I'm assuming that your intent was to not go trick or treating. I'm going to be blunt and say that I feel that you are cutting your nose off despite your face. I feel that you could, can, still have fun with us, as long as you allow yourself to. You don't have to put that cosplay back on, but you are certainly welcome to. You are welcome to come out with us, hang out, trick or treat, whatever. You don't have to do everything we're doing if you don't want to. You also don't have to come with us if you don't want to. You can go do something on your own, you can leave and come back to see us later, whatever works for you. But, again, I'm sorry, you can't stay here as it's not permission that I have the authority to give at this time.

I'm making this choice right now to tell you all of this myself, for myself. I am telling you that I am not holding up any of my plans any farther for any of these encounters of yours. I'm sorry if this troubles you, hinders your plans, but I'm not going to bend right now, especially with, as I said before, eight other people here. I've been lenient enough.

I could offer you a hug, it's right here if you want it, but I don't think that's going to solve the problem.

Is it?

No, I didn't think so.

I understand that it could make you feel better, and that's why it's still there, but you already know that I'm a do-something person. If someone presents me with an issue, I don't say, "Oh, that sucks. " and then 'the end.' I don't complain with them about it. I don't, personally, understand that logic. Sure, I could say, "Wow, that's really lame," but then I would also say, "but you could do this..." or "Well, these're your options at this point."

So, again, the hug's still here, and I can give it to you later if you want, but this is how I feel right now, and we, haha, really need to get going. It's been another twenty minutes.

Is there anything else you'd like to tell me while we have the time? Anything at all related to what I've spoken to you and with you about?"

She then looked down, moping, and glanced back up at me, staring for five seconds or so. She leaned over to slowly pick up her cosplay and adorn it, saying,

"I just wish you weren't so cold-hearted sometimes..."

8/ I'm sick of it, and I didn't even talk with her about all of the other crap she's been pulling that breaches my boundaries that she knows, does. I thought I was fair, but you know, what do I know?

And yes, she did go out with us, in the end. Of course, afterwards, she had to change her msn name (from what I saw during the brief time I've been on) to something about me breaking her heart and how her hallowe'en sucked ass even though she SEEMED TO BE HAVING A GREAT TIME WITH US. I'm sorry we were so horriblfhsdjklh don't be bitter Chayce don't be bitter be the bigger on in the situation, okay, breathe, okay, good.

ffffhdgjghjg crap I ranted again. I juuuust I normally want to keep things short, but, unfortunately I also want to give all of the facts so that I don't leave things out and seem like I tried to and... yeah.

Uh. You guys, you guys, I got way less candy than I thought I did, ahahaha... or maybe one of the bunch stole some of mine while I was out of the room after our raid... Probably because we spent more time walking to people's houses that we knew and just talking about stupid crap/having fun/being idiots versus hitting every house we could.

OH MAN YOU GUYS we went to this really far block at one point that had barely any lit houses, and this old lady was giving out WHOLE SKITTLE BAGS. The big ones. That you buy at the store. She gave me two because she hadn't gotten many people that night, apparently. HUZZAH.

Emerald tried to convince me to go back to her place with Bianca and artist-lady, but, after the whole fiasco from before, I just wasn't up to it. I've been relapsing into my, "Nnnnghhhhh too much social interaction" mode again, but/and hopefully it's not my paranoia and just me needing a break.

I recently applied to and got accepted into one of those RP things on Tegaki. Yeahhh I'm a horrible person. It's the Pokemon Gijinka one that everyone's been raving about/pissed off at. Fffff. HAVE YOU DISOWNED ME YET, X-RAY? But, yeah, I've been DIGITAL'Y ART'ING MORE'ING. The only reason I joined was because I want to try and get faster at my ~~lack of~~ art'ing skills, and this'll give me an obligation to do so. I have a serious issue with paying attention to tiny things and not looking at the big picture, so these things take forever for me. Being a HARDCORE perfectionist is kind of lame, too. Also I hate tablets. Tablets. Tablets fkadhfjasd I don't understand WHY CAN'T I TURN YOU ANDlfjasdkjf draw sidewaysdjksah tablets just what. I like paper better. I WILL MASTER YOU YET, TABLET. I still like paper better, though.

Also, I GOT MY DRAGOON TO LEVEL 75 THIS MORNING. FUUUUUUUUCKKFHKJAHDKJSHD YES. YES YES YES okay actually I'm not as excited about it as I thought I'd be. Maybe it's because I stayed up all night doing as such and got the level two minutes before I had to start getting dressed for school.

...Oh well.

I got a new youth worker two weeks ago... and then another new one. Yes, uh, I was confused.

The first one was a woman named Lisa who contacted me by texting me, saying she had gotten my number from my previous worker, Alana. We planned to meet up the Wednesday after we started texting, and did. She was pretty neat, though I found out Alana hadn't kept a record or hadn't told her anything about me, so I had to be pretty blunt and compact all of the major highlights (or should I say lowlights? Er...) into 30 minutes for her so that she was almost caught up. I found out she plays Everquest II, which was pretty cool. She, apparently, met her husband through the game, and I freaked out a bit because I immediately though, "Holy shit an adult who I know who plays an MMORPG and has relationships whether they're romantic or friendly or whatever through said MMORPG just holy shit fjadhjkhf you will understand this aspect of me."

Two days after we met at lunch, a guy named Ryan took me out of my Socials class and spoke with me for a few minutes, saying Mrs. Matsubuchi (my school councilor) had contacted him, and that if I wanted to meet with him, he'd be my new youth worker. I was a bit muddled, but agreed, and we spoke for a bit, then planning to meet the next evening at 5PM to grab something to eat and get to know each other.

He seems neat, but... I don't know how to put this. He seems a bit more like a yes-man than I think he realizes he does. Though I don't disagree with his, "I don't judge people" mannerisms, it's also a philosophy I've never completely agreed with, because we judge people 24/7, just, not specifically in ways such as, "Oh he does drugs that's horrible," or "Oh she's such a whore/prep/poser," etc. It's human nature to judge upon being given information, whether it's false or not, because that's how we make decisions. It's how we make choices for our own safety, if anything.

The advice he gives is a bit neutral; it's something I could easily give myself. There was about one, maybe two little things he gave me ideas on that I hadn't thought of myself, and they were very minor.

I'm not going to brush him off completely. I'll meet with him a couple of more times and see how it works out, but right now it seems like I'm just doing his job (or what he can do in his job), for him. ...No offense meant, of course.

What else...
I've discovered a bit more of Shikata Akiko's music, which is great, and at the same time, come upon an artist by the name of Angela Aki. Nnnnngh, I love her voice and a good amount of the stuff she does. Not all of it, but a good amount of it.

There's more stuff going on right now for me, but I'm just going to wrap it up with this:

I've been feeling really hopeless lately. I mean, really, really hopeless.

I'm not envious, not jealous at all, but I see all of these people with their amazing futures literally around them and I just feel like huddling my shoulders and ducking my head, laughing lightly and entertaining them for while I still can, before they move on or I fall back. (And please don't tell me, "Oh, you have other talents, Chayce. You are good at this and that and this and this and..." just read on, it's not like I don't appreciate having those talents, if that's true. It's something a bit more meaningful than that, or at least a bit more important if I want to survive in life.)

I've screwed myself over in a lot of areas, and I know it. I'm not regretful, I don't regret. It's my fault, I know that, and I accept that. Like I said, I'm a "do-something" kind of person, but... unfortunately, I can't seem to do-anything about myself, only about others. People have said that's an amazing life-skill I have when I don't avoid it: handling others and helping others, but...

I can't seem to move myself, and 'too late' is a relative term to me because I'm such a procrastinator on, again, myself. 'Too late' is never at an exact time for me, because I always have some way of stretching it for a breath or two further, and yet I never take advantage of that breath. I just use it up to laugh about stupid, inefficient things for a little bit longer before 80% of my things crash for half a year, starting the waiting game.

I've been terrified for a while now that I don't know how to do things anymore.

I literally don't know how to achieve anymore.

I'm not exaggerating, I really feel that I'm just not capable.

I haven't tried at anything that'll push me forward in what's considered meaningful, lively things in a long time. Since the beginning of high school.

People tell me that I'm capable, I'm oh-so-gifted at things, that I've a wonderful mind, that taking that mind and applying it is the only thing I need to overcome.

The problem is is that I don't think I can. I've tried in small steps, and I get stuck very fast. And trust me, I've tried a lot.

One of my ways of functioning, however backwards it seems, is that old idea of... if there's a possibility of failure, it's better not to try at all. I don't apply this idea always, no, but... I am a perfectionist of the highest degree. I used to work myself into the ground as a kid, but I won't go into that. I basically stopped trying one day, and it was the most amazing thing in the world for me. It was such a relief and such an interesting concept, something that I hadn't ever even thought of, because, somehow, 'do or die' had been ground into my head. And so, I started to drift, and it worked for a while. I thought, "I'll start up how I used to do things at... this point in my life! Yes, this one. This will work perfectly." Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy as I thought to simply pick it up again. It wasn't that I had the lack of knowledge from not paying attention to things, it was that I had, or, have, the lack of... like I said, what I think is the ability to 'do' anymore.

I've had lapses like this where I feel kind of down, a bit empty, like I'm sure everyone does, but I've just been feeling... hopeless, like I said. Really, really hopeless for the past two months, and it hasn't faded at all.

I feel like the final 'too late' turning point for 'do or die' is coming closer, and I feel extremely powerless, and again, hopeless.

No, this isn't a, "Bawww I'm going to commit suicide. Bawww only answer, nevermind one of the answers at all, is to kill myself bawww." No, it's not that. That's never really been an 'answer' for me.

It's

I don't even know, I'm just drifting even further again, and all I can do is laugh until it happens.

Why Do I Do This

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:36:32 GMT

O-oh my lord, Hyadain. Just
Hyadain. Have sex with me.

Hyadain I am going to start crying manly tears of inspiration and the tears will be so manly and impressed by you that they will actually be sprouts of hair falling from my eyeballs because the testosterone stimulated in my otherwise frail body (compared to your oh-so studly one) will not know what to do with itself and these hairs will be weaved by yours truly into violin strings which I will craft a violin for out of the morning wood that I have for you and your music and I will send you this violin and you will make a song with this violin and upload it but the video will actually be you just saying, "Oh cry me a river you creepy fan I'm busy making amazing music that you obviously don't appreciate as much as you should" but you understand only a small amount of English so you'll probably be saying it in really bad Engrish or Japanese like, "Oh cly me rivah stlange rittre girl, i bizy desu" while playing said violin along to your beautiful voice manipulations and I will cry and cry and cry but I'll still wait for your next piece and listen and listen and listen and and AND

NNNNGGGGBAWWWWWWWW MUSIIIIIIIIC

How does he manipulate his voice like that. Just. Just. I want to learn these things.

Um. Hallowe'en is tomorrow you guys. TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING/DRESSING UP AS/NOT DRESSING UP AS so I can mock you
I mean
so I can say how amazing that sounds in comparison to my plans.

I'm going trick or treating
fuck you I'm not too old
I'm not
I'm not
I-I'm n-not b-BAWWW YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
N-NO I'M NOT TIRED IT'S NOT MY BED TIME I-I
NO NOT THE PADDLE

I'm making up for being too old by wearing a~~n awesome~~ relatively okay costume. People don't care (and if they do then they can eat my toilet paper o-okay no I actually wouldn't do that because I'm too much of a pussy a-and I don't want to cause other p-people t-trouble) as long as you put in effort and aren't trying to ransackle the little childrens then s'alllll good.

Yeah
so
I want to go as Christmas Town Sora (Yuffie/Jojo will go in her matching outfit if so. Axel/Paige is going as a genderbend'd Joker ugh no offense but I'm so sick of all of this Y SO SRS/Joker/Batman crap). My friend wants me to go as Len because she actually ordered a Kaito costume and wants to pair up with me even though I already have a Kaito... but mmnnn... I don't want to disappoint her, but... nn... if she's got her costume by now...

YES, I KNOW. DO THINGS FOR MYSELF NOT OTHERS BLAHBLAHhfjladhsd stop being right.

A bunch of people are tagging along with me in my area for trick-or-treating, then (I think) we're going to Metrotown to be idiots, as per the norm. I should walk into la senza and ask if they have some "glaaa~m candy" or "thongilicious treats" for us.

Ummm I'm carving my pumpkin tonight.
I'm thinking of ~~being stupid (oh wait that's 24/7) a-and making it GurrenDressing themed, like uh, with the Gurren couples and their childrenzzz, though I might be too tired, we'll see~~ making it cool.

I have been freezing lately. I don't understand this. I've been told it might be because I have low blood pressure (my mom says it runs in the family. Wait, is that possible? Can high/low blood pressure be hereditary? I wouldn't think so...), which would explain why it's been so difficult for my health class/planning class/gym teachers to find my heartbeat in previous years, nevermind its rate, ahaha. I used to be extremely resistant to most temperatures, but... it's odd. I'm very cold when I'm indoors. My classrooms seem frigid to me, and my house does as well. If I don't change into PJs and warm up my ~~granny~~ heat bag-thing/get a warm drink I'll be shivering, even with a sweater on. I'm cold right now. I'm better outdoors where it's even colder, especially in the mornings walking to school, though. BODY WHAT ARE YOU DOING. GROW A SEPARATE CONSCIOUSNESS AND TELL ME.

Curling up in my massive nest of raggedy blankets in my loft bed with the space heater I bought cranked to full is one of my best comforts, overall, at the moment. I love you ~*~~~space-heater-saaaannn-channndesuyooo~~~*~.

Maybe all these years of wearing a toque for every single day of my life starting three and a half years ago was a bad idea after all.
...Nah.

My dad and I had a long talk about my options for classes right now when it comes to how I'm doing. That relieved me. I think he was relieved, too. 8/ It's kind of neat, because I never used to reveal this kind of thing. I'd just keep grazing along by the scruff of my neck until things went to hell and I'd take it upon my shoulders, because I knew it was my fault, and blahblahblah. I guess I'm trying a bit more. Ugh. Ughha ugh uhg uhg grug. School blahblah teenage wangst.

I found out, recently (what the heck, youth worker. FALSE INFORMATION), that I'll most likely have to take 7~10 years of university instead of 4 for what I want to do. This doesn't upset me in an, "UGH MORE OF MY LIFE WASTED"-way, quite the contrary. The more learning I get to do in areas that I enjoy, the better. Awesome. Fantasmical. It's the money part. Nngh. Money.
Maybe I should just seek out the Lochness monster and train him to sing with me on a street corner for the rest of my life. Yes.

Or be a Pokemon master. Yesyes.

Um, Pride & Prejudice is really fantabulous, you guys. I'm serious. I adore the 1995 movie adaption, I want a copy of it, because I am a dork like that. Darcy's mutton chops are hot stuff. Ohhh yeah you work those mutton chop whiskers Mr. Darcy mmmmmmmmyeah you swim through those lillypads you o-oh yeah I'm taking notes Mrs. Alexis. Mr. Collins and Lydia need to go away because they ruin my muttonchopboner.

...As it remains, why are they even called mutton chops?

Haaackcoughcoughhackrhhrrrrruuraaghh some guy just sat down next to me and he smells like AXEx5987324.

I don't really know what's going on with my family at the moment, though that's kind of a given. I think my mother's attending the sessions she's supposed to be going to, but my dad's been away on business a lot, so I think he's, um... hm. The 'family counselor' has turned into more of a 'monitor mother' counselor. I haven't met them once, nor has Chloe. Dad's only met them once or twice.

Um.
To conclude this non-GL crap, I think one of my wisdom teeth is growing in and it hurts like a grapehippo.

My choir's taken on two new songs this week, one of them being "The Boy (Girl)From Ipanema". We're singing it as 'girl' because out teacher says that it's less awkward for the guys to sing (even though the majority of our choir is girls), and that the girls don't really care as it is, so... I'm not complaining, it's just a weird way to look at it, in my opinion. I disagree for a number of reasons. It's not a big deal, though, and I'm not going to make it into one.

Um. So this song. It uh. It...

...Why do I think of Zoushi when I sing this songdajkdhskjahFUCK FUCK FANDOMS IN MY LIFE GET OUT GET OUTFHSFgdhsfkasd. And oh god no you guys not in a 'ZOUSHI IS MAI BOYFRIEND HUSBANDO CHANNNNN~' kind of way. It just reminds me of him in some screwed up way and, in turn, makes me laugh. I'm imagining the characters of GL singing it to him while he struts his stuff a-and it just it just why do I always do this. Why do I always ruin things.

A-anyways here's a variation on the original that I kind of like:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME66oVfRLT0&fmt=18

I do this to songs we sing in choir a lot. And songs in general. I associate them with stupidly stupid incredibly stupid things a-and fffffffffffffffuck I'M NOT OBSESSED HHRRNNNGGG.

L-like this one song by Tiesto. Um. "Elements of Life". I have this whole scenario in my head of Kidd, Ailac, and Zoushi raving along to it. I imagine it when I'm bored. This is what I do in yearbook/school/life that I don't have/everything. I stare blankly and, sure, pay attention to what I'm supposed to be paying attention to at the same time, but I come up with things like this. This. This. Why. Why do I do this. I-I'm a loser.

A-and now I really, really want to cosplay Ailac and rave. I can't wait until I that outfit together and get the chance to. Raveraveraverave if I found a Kidd or Zoushi cosplayer I would go batshit and make them rave with me. No, if I found any GL cosplayers I would go batshit and rave with themffrggrghdfasadfadfad. (I like how my keyboard smashing MAEKZ WERDS.)

Oh, on that note of raving GL characters raving.

I want you guys to imagine GL characters raving. Do it. Right now. My friends and I have discussed this and the chaos that would ensue. It's the most beautiful image I have ever imagined I am so seriousdfhsdjkfh (well, one of them). Just, can you imagine Kamina. Can you imagine Leeron. Cytomander. Genome? Rossiu. FUCKING ROSSIUFJhdjafhhahaha oh god that makes me laugh okay stop laughing in the library Chayce you're a loser shh. No wait Guinble AHAHAHhhahfjksdfha (note that I wouldn't expect them to actually rave, but, imagining the ability to force them into environments like that is hilarious). I'm trying to think of who would be the DJ.

I've had this idea for a fanfic stuck in my head for a while that's been mutating. It's trying to get me to write it, but whenever I try something like this I'm too much of a self-critic to move very far with it, and I'd probably get distracted. S'kind of odd considering I haven't been into fanfiction that much for the past long while because I can't seem to find anything that's very good or to my tastes. Anyways, this weird idea involves Simon and an extreme but indirect phobia of drills. Yeahhh there's more to it than that, but, I won't say more because I'll just start ranting. Again.

PS;
I want this for when I cosplay Ailac. I will wear it. It is my ultimate plan.

I think it's amusing that the things that keep me sane are the things that have made me insane.

So, yeah.

I am basically
a ~~horribly~~ horrible person
life storyblahblah
the end.

YESYESYesyesyaegjfgfhsdghdafghsdfffggrrrargI I CONCUR MY DEAR SIR

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:02:08 GMT

Three videos for you guys from a new ad campaign that I am just ecstatic about. Yes, I realize the first one has Hilary Duff in it, but bear with me if you're not fond of her. I'm kind of, "Umloloh okay that's cool I guess no that's pretty awesome no actually I'm not sure what to think" myself, but meh.

The last one is my favouriteahaha hahahahaaaaa. Ha.

Anyways.

What else.

Oh yeah this so this is the job I am vry srsly doing a research project on for YTRPL/BCA Transitions/Planning/whatever the heck that X-Block class is. Yes I am vry, vry srs about this career don't judge me.

Career Research #4

1. Occupation: Pokémon Master

2. Nature of the Work: A Pokémon Master works on field, generally in tall grass. The hours are irregular and self-imposed but it is a full-time, full-year job. Working environment may include camping out in the wilderness for an odd number of days but if he or she is lucky, he or she would stay at a Pokémon Center for the evening (all expenses waived). Another key duty of a Pokémon Master is battling against challengers who wish to obtain his or her title as well as caring for his or her Pokémon. There are also daily incidents of your Pokémon being kidnapped by a man, a woman, a talking cat, and some over-affectionate plants.

3. Highlights of this Job:
a) You get to be 10 years old forever.
b) Bike insurances do not affect you.

4. Training or Education Requirements: No prior experience or education is required to become a Pokémon Master. The only requirement is that you have a small yellow electric mouse, a rival, catch all 150+ Pokémon in the world, and have several movies made about you. (The current record is 8 movies by the way.)

5. Job Outlook: Outlook for this job is completely dependent on the competency of the train in question and the current Pokémon Master as there can only be one. Competition is statistically very high and the rate of success at the beginning of your journey is negative 0.00000000000000000000000000030000000005900000000000690000004%.

6. Earning Potential: A Pokémon Master is not paid. There is only glory and fame and a constant clamour for your position. In fact, previous Pokémon Masters are known to either live off the land, mooch off government officials, have a side job, or/or live with their mothers. The net earnings for this occupation per year is -$800 000.

7. Related Occupations:
a) Pokémon Breeder: A Pokémon Breeder forces their captured Pokémon to reproduce as quickly and as abundantly as possible through use of mysterious berries (drugs) and proper care (slave labour). It is unclear how this is legal but the most respected and famous of all Pokémon Breeders, Brock-Lee, flaunts a net earning of $60.00 per year.
b) Pokémon Researcher: A Pokémon Researcher is a professor who keeps Pokémon corralled in pastures or in pokéballs for an extended amount of time. On occasion they rope clueless preteen children into doing their research for them by starting them on so called Pokémon Journeys through means of falsified events of incompetence. They are also required to appreciate poetry, particularly that of haikus.

8. Justify Your Selection: I want to be the very best; that no one ever was. To catch them is my real test. To train them is my cause. I will travel across the land, searching far and wide. Each Pokémon to understand the power that's inside. Pokémon, [I] gotta catch 'em all (heart's so true). Our courage will pull us through. You'll teach me and I'll teach you Pokémon. [I] Gotta catch 'em.

Creditsssssss to StellaMcAwesomepants. （＾∀＾）ノ

Why is it that whenever I type 'lj-cut' I immediately think 'lj-cuticle'. Wtf brain what are you doing in there.

Fuck I love Gorillaz. ♥

Umlolwut

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 18:27:52 GMT

So it looks like I'm being punished for something that hasn't, and I'm not planning to have happen.

lolwut.

I went to sleep yesterday - after calling Jojo - at about 4:30 or 5PM. Reason: I decided to be a ~responsible person~ for once and get over three hours of sleep on more than just one day of the week (AKA Saturday night/Sunday morning)... well, this week, anyways. I was planning on waking up at about 8:30PM so I could get 5 phone calls done that I had said I would make, but, nng, I slept past my alarm clock and woke up at 10PM and just said to myself, "Sorry guys, fuck it. I'm going back to sleep."

I woke up again at 7AM and went downstairs. I thought, "It'd probably be a good idea to just stay awake and actually eat some breakfast or something."

...Fuck it."

So I heated up my ~granny bag~ (AKA one of those microwaveable bean bag things that Arianna says smells like old ladies) and went back to bed, waking up at 8:10AM.

Forgetting about 14 hours of sleep, I felt like crap. What. Just. Why, body, why. I treat you right for once andgjhfjkhsad NO MORE SLEEP FOR YOU.

Mother came up and banged on my door to get up. School starts at 8:55 on Wednesdays, so I had to be out of the house by 8:40 to walk there in time. I said I was up, like normal, but uh
I kind of
groaned and rolled over and
fell
back asleep.

I woke up at 8:30 again and freaked out. It literally only takes me five minutes to get dressed and a couple more to be out the door, but if I'm not out of the house by 8:30 my parents flip.

So, uh, was rushing around trying to get my pants on, picked my bag up, and then my mother busts my door open annnd it was another rage fest. I was trying to get by her so I wouldn't be late, but she, well, wouldn't let me.

Eventually she stomped downstairs, and I closed my door to get my bag together after she had thrown it across my room, then opening it again. Just as I was about to close it behind me, I heard her talking on the phone. Found out it was with my dad.

"...yeah technically if they claim abuse the school doesn't even have to call in if they're late, nevermind absent, because they might 'agitate the parents'. She could be skipping for all we know. Mmyeah I talked to her. Okay, bye."

...

I have only skipped school one day of my entire life, and that was about a year or two ago when I just didn't show up at home the night before, having spent it in a ditch at the bottom of a ravine on the edge of a forest with coyotes wandering around. Long story.

This is unbelievable to a lot of people (apparently, because I've been asked to ditch quite a few times with others), but I'm too much of a goody-two-shoes to do something like that. I'd feel inexplicably guilty attempting it.

I went downstairs and was going to slip around the corner so that I could just leave out of the bottom back door we have from the basement, as per the usual, but she made sure to call after me.

"Your dad's taking your door off of your room again, Chayce. You had better not think about skipping anymore, or more will be taken away."

Fffhahahaha.
As it remains, in the end, I got to class on time.
Fuck, there goes my last sense of security.

PS;
Yes, I'd understand if they were punishing me for being frustrated at me not getting out the door by 8:30, but taking the door off of my room seems a bit extreme for that.
...Maybe that's just me.

So, the other day (a while ago...) it was raining and I saw a HUMONGOUS raven perched on the fence outside of my school. It was magnificent.

I was in a really good mood because it, well, it was raining, and I slowly tried to approach it. There was no one else around because it was around 5PM. It, oddly enough, allowed me to get near. I reached up precariously and was actually able to stroke its feathers twice before it hopped along the fence to the right and ruffled itself, taking off.

Interesting encounter.

I relayed it to my friend and she said I was going to get SARS. :c OH WELL everything nowadays gives you cancer, anyways. Looking at the stars gives you cancer. Breathing gives you cancer. Touching yourself gives you cancer. LIVING GIVES YOU CANCER.

To wrap things up,
HEY! HEY! LISTEN!

I know a couple of you have already heard of this, but...

I really want any of you interested in gaming with an Xbox/PS2/PS3/non-public computer to check this out.

Square Enix and its PlayOnline franchise have recently released a deal in which they are allowing new players to direct download and play Final Fantasy XI for free, without need for (from what I know) registering a credit card for fourteen days. It's just to give new, possible customers a taste of the game for two weeks, to know what they'd be paying for (though two weeks, in my honest opinion, is barely enough to taste much. It's a humongous game and takes at least a month to get into the good beginning chunks of the plot... granted, if you have things to attend to irl).

http://www.finalfantasyxi.com/

They just released that site and have a good amount of information on it for beginning players, so... if any of you do take an interest... all it'll take up is some space on your computer, time, and my excitement at having new people/friends to play with (even if it's only for two weeks). >_>;

Also, a note;
If you wanted to play for more than the two weeks and still be cheap (goodness knows I am), once you sign up for a new account officially with a credit card, you get the first 30 days free.
...Technically, you could play the first two weeks, then sign up, and cancel your account by the end of the next month, all for free.

Pfffshhh but that's just me trying to be even more of an infectant and lure you all in.

I'm on the Phoenix server, so if you do join, and aren't afraid to associate yourself with my antics, I have a level 70 White Mage totally ready to help you through the early levels! o_o

Two Tuesdays Ago/Etc.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:34:34 GMT

Heyyyyhave little access lately, so, typed this up in pieces when I could.

Most of Tuesday was spent with me making myself physically ill from being nervous and generally terrified.

In chronological order:

Woke up, made sure my room was generally clean. Threw some sleeping wear into my shoulder bag along with my books, cell phone charger, toothbrush, ~~and my Phantom Hourglass Link plushie because I'm a pussy and he was small a-and I didn't have enough room for anything else and I need something t-to hug when I sleep okay.~~

Left for school, showed up at my counselor's office. Called the MCFD and confirmed they were initiating things that day.

My morning consisted of me waiting.

Got to be around lunch, and went to the computer lab to work on yearbook assignments with a few other members.

Mother called. This made me launch myself back into panic mode after having time to calm down. She never calls, so it was for obvious reasons. I didn't answer. I didn't listen to the voice mail. I decided to wait until after lunch when my counselor was free again so that I'd be able to call the MCFD/workers and see what had been done/if it was safe for me to go home that night.

Right before my third class I decided I should check my voice mail, so I did.

The first message (as she left another during the exact time I listened to the first) contained my mother asking if I knew what was going on, asking if I had told Rosa (my therapist) anything 'extreme', asking if Rosa herself had done this or if I had, or if it was us both, etc.. If I knew if Chloe was being taken away, that she could be, etc.. That she had done nothing illegal, nothing, nothing at all, why was she being scrutinized? Did I know? That, her having a drink every so often to 'help her get to sleep' was something all of her friends of similar classes did, if that was what this was about, that I was being selfish. That now she had to go and reassure Chloe, that now Chloe was probably terrified by these strangers.

Now, sometime around the end of lunch she went to do this. She went to my sister's school.
I hadn't known exactly how this had happened until Chloe explained it to me afterward, but, this is, apparently, how it went.

She arrived, and went straight to Chloe's classroom. Interrupted the lesson to pull her out of the class. She demanded to know what the workers had 'interrogated' her about. Chloe repeated two of the questions and the answers she had given, and my mother flipped.

"How could you goddamn BETRAY me?"
How could you SAY a fricking thing like THAT?"
They're going to take you away and force you to live with an old man who'll touch you naked! Is that what you want?! I do everything for you!"
and finally, once she had calmed down
"You realize this is all about your sister, right?"
Chloe responded with (I laughed when she told me this, and I'm glad she didn't get smacked for it for defending me. I normally tell her for safety reasons to just ignore mom unless she has someone else nearby, or to tell dad or I about it later if she needs to vent; then we can approach the situation carefully. Anyways...)
"Um, no... mom... see... it... it isn't. It's never... it's never really been about Chayce. That's not fair! You say that, you say it's all about us, but...

...It's you."

Needless to say, she raged back out again. That's when she left the second phone call with me.

Basically, it started out similarly to the first message.
Then she started swearing
annnd the day kind of spiraled from there for me
and not in the sexilicious drilling kind of way.
She continuously brought up the fact that she hadn't 'done anything illegal', that I was 'exaggerating' and 'lying to get attention' and was basically being 'selfish' overall, that there were people whose parents shot up heroin, or people themselves who did, etc..
-Shrug-
Then she tried guilt-tripping me immediately after (which kind of worked. I felt guilty, then I realized I shouldn't have, that I should stay strong and not be sucked in to what she was saying as I had been since who knows when... and then I felt guilty for being so heartless, endless circle, haha) calling me worthless, saying that she had lost everything because of me, that her life would be so much better off without me, why did I do this, everything, everything lost.

Anyways, I waited through another class, worrying that she might literally rage into my school at any moment. orz I was so paranoid at that point that I couldn't stop glancing between the door window and outside window.

After that class I headed for my next one and dropped my bag on my desk, then went to one of the windows looking out over the main entrance way in the inside of the school. Stared for five minutes, debating if I should go call again. I did.

They told me they had already spoken to my dad (they didn't tell me how that went, I didn't ask), and that my mother was in an office waiting for them to speak with her. I pleaded with them to make sure that they contacted me after school asap, or during my current class so that my counselor could come tell me during it. I needed to know so that I could let my sister know if it was safe for her to go home before she left and it'd be too late. They obliged. ...During the phone call I heard my mom suddenly bust out screaming in the background along with a few crashes, which was definitely reassuring.

My counselor asked me if I wanted to be excused from that class, I probably looked horrible, but I declined, thanking her, and just asked for a late slip. I went to the library and read for about twenty minutes to calm down once again before going back to that class for the remaining fourty minutes.

As soon as the bell rang I launched myself back to my counselor's office once again (my thanks to and thank goodness in general that that woman didn't either A) didn't get fed up with me; B) did but was patient; or C) just put up with it because it was her job, haha. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid again. I don't know) and waited for the call. They did 15 minutes after school was out of session, and they told me that they thought it'd be best if I went home.

My mother had, apparently, been 'very emotional, angry, upset', but had 'agreed not to take it out on either of [us/my sister and I] later on'. I was skeptical on that.

What had been sorted out was that a family worker would be checking in on, well, our family... at least once a week to evaluate what was happening and to meet with us each individually, and then as a whole, if necessary. She had also had to agree to meeting with a rehab worker, personally, on a specific basis, as well as a therapist on a similar basis. Marriage counseling was suggested, but that, they said, would probably be optional and depend on how things went with everything else.

"If the terms aren't met, certain measures will be taken. We have made sure she understands that."

I don't know exactly what that entails, but I'm pretty sure it involves someone (or a few people) being extracted in some way from the entire situation, temporarily or not.

So, I went home.
Still not calm, but, oh well, haha.

Got in the door and saw my mother at the computer. Dead silence. Walked past her and up to my room, dropped my bag, stayed there for a bit.

Went downstairs to wash my face and grab some food for the first time that day, but while I was in the bathroom, I heard her start a conversation on the phone with a friend of hers.

The entire thing was generally a pity-party entailing comparisons between unspecific examples of those worse off than she was in 'handling life', and the many different and creative ways she found to explain how worthless and a piece of shit of a teenager I was.

"Yeah, she's in that room upstairs that I pay for right now, probably hiding, the selfish little bitch. ...Well, no I don't know if she's proud of herself or if she'd afraid to face me, but whatever. As far as I see it, she's spat upon and thrown the relationship we had out the window. Yeah, mhm. I know. She's tarnished it, and she'd better not ever expect it to be the fucking same again. She can go and live with Ros- yeah, her therapist or whatever she does I don't know some job that is, she can go and live with her for all I fucking care. Get ~support~ from her. Lies. Fucking hate her."

Okay, so.
I never really cared for my mother as a person all too much.
As a person I never really respected her all too much.
As my mother?
I appreciated what she did for me. I appreciated that both of my parents have attempted to care for me, have fed/clothed/supported me financially for schooling, etc., all of the things I've listed prior, even after all of the personal things she's dragged over to us. I might feel this way because I feel obligated to. Maybe because I want that piece of normality; a second parent. I don't know.

I tried to get to know her, to have a 'friendly' relationship with her, but whenever that was attempted, she'd normally mock conversations I'd try to have with her about myself, or even about her that I was curious about (she'd mock how I presented those, that is to say). She'd add a venomous twist to her compliments whenever I attempted to tell her about something good I'd done, something I was proud of (or maybe not so proud of, but I knew she'd be proud of, or thought she'd be from what she told me I should be doing).

You can see why I eventually stopped trying and only reciprocated, very carefully, when she brought things up. Even then I was pretty neutral.

Thing is, hate is a strong word. So is love. I don't use either of these very lightly at all.
I'd like to say I hate her, I'd like to say I despise her, but I don't think I did. I hated what she did to me and my sister, but there was a part of me that wanted her to do good, and clung to that, because my dad kept telling me she could, that he didn't fall in love with her without reason.

I knew she didn't like me. I had an inkling that she hated me, but I wasn't sure. There was a part of me that knew, that knew she blamed me for 'everything' that went wrong in her life.

But, I guess,

even when knowing, hearing it directly, hurts.
And I don't know why it does, because it shouldn't. Not coming from someone like her.

I tell myself that she's not worth my time if I'm not worth hers. I tell myself, you're spitting on your own philosophy, Chayce. You're being a hypocrite. If others don't want to give the effort to care, they're doing you a favour. They're letting you know first-off that they're not worth your time, either.

I can never practice what I preach.
I know, I know, I understand, but I don't believe or feel it myself.

Ergh.

Anyways,
after the call she made I went up to my room and was rapidly texting Paige to let her know what was going on and whether or not I'd be staying at her house, and with or without Chloe. At that point it was looking like without; she was at a friend's and my mother was completely buddy-buddy with her (something I found out better later on), so she was safe.

I decided to wait until my dad came home, to find out what his opinion on everything was. If it was negative, I'd leave. I wouldn't be able to handle two, and it would just be for that night, most likely, and I'd still go to school the next day, even if it was 2 and 1/2 hours away.

He called my cell shortly before I thought he'd arrive home, and I didn't pick it up. I thought, better to speak with him in person. Then he texted me, asking if I wanted to go someplace for sushi. "Mom's at a movie, Chloe's going swimming with a friend and I have to drop off her bathing suit. I thought we could go and eat, seeing how everyone else is out. Call me."

My mother left to visit/chat with the same friend that she had had the phone conversation with shortly after.

It seemed odd to me that he'd text me something like that, but I called him back after she left and said, "Um... yeah, sure, but... I mean... as... as long as we're... calm?"

He responded with, "Wha- oh, oh yeah. Of course."

I went to lie down and close my eyes for a bit.
He showed up fifteen minutes later.

I timidly approached him once he walked around the house a bit and then into the kitchen, and he gave me this sideways look while setting down his bags, then turned to face me.
He opened his arms and just stared at me, and I basically ~~busted out crying and~~ went to hug him. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and it was almost too much of a relief to realize that he wasn't as angry as I thought he'd be.

I kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He asked me why.

I laughed and said, "I don't know."

Long story short, we went to eat, I told him about why I had done what I did ("...not to get anyone in trouble, not because I 'hate' either of you, not because I want to dissever anything... I just want some resolution and that's something that I've been waiting too long for you or her to find. I keep being told it'll happen, but it's been five years now since things started turning into how it is. Not only for myself; I could leave, certainly, but for Chloe, too..."), what had occurred throughout the day (including mother's reaction/etc.). He drove me back to the house afterward, and while doing so I asked him, "Am I in trouble?" He responded with, "Why would you be?" Again, I replied, "I don't know." Being a bit more calm, I set my leftovers in the fridge once I was dropped off and went upstairs after he said he had to go pick up Chloe.

Mother came home and stomped upstairs, slamming her door. Dad came home with Chloe, she got ready for bed, he did... some other things and set up to sleep in the living room as he had been for the past two weeks. >_>; Chloe went to her 'bed' upstairs on the stairway landing/small hallway between my mother's room and mine. Yeahhhh she's still sleeping up there, too... uncomfortable? ...to do much else, I guess.

I popped outside of my door for a moment to chat with Chloe over something important, just to let her know I was at least physically okay (I hadn't actually seen her all of that day), and after two minutes of conversing my mother slammed her door open (which was interesting enough to see/hear, seeing how her door is a pull-open one from the inside).

She had the most murderous look on her red face, directed at me, obviously - it was just lovely. She puffed up, looming, and stalked me backwards through my own door, slamming it shut so hard the entire house shook.

I then heard her continue the exact conversation I had just been having with Chloe, very sweetly, except from her point of view. Pfffhahahha. She went back to her room and slammed her door when finished.

Needless to say I put a few things up against my door afterward. Things I knew would make noise.

The rest of the week was basically that 'morning after' thing my household tends to have when something explooodes. Everyone enjoys putting up the crazy-making idea that 'everything is okay, everything is fine, everything is normal', without anyone doing anything about the obvious situation or conflicting emotions.

There was a point at which, my mother, still attempting to be buddy-buddy with my sister, was playing with her. They had an accident, and my mother apparently tripped over a chair and fell directly on top of her, and, Chloe, basically, freaked out. She ran upstairs to my room, completely in tears, with the most frantic look on her face. I acted pretty nonchalant about it, but reassured her in the moments before my mom ran upstairs after her.

I was kind of surprised at what she did.

My mother, basically, was frantic. She was attempting to explain to me 'what had happened' and laughing with this wide-eyed look that Chloe was, you know, tired, nothing to worry about, oh Chloe, why would you exaggerate, ahahahahaha.

I'm pretty sure she was scared I was going to call the MCFD and say that she was beating her. Real nice. I felt badly, but really, maybe if she'd listen instead of, well... anyways. I told her and dad that I'm not one to exaggerate on matters as extreme as these could be. I knew what could happen, I understood that. Did she really thing I was that stupid?

She's also taken the time to bluntly let me know that she just can't wait until I leave. If dad ever overhears, he sooometimes tells me after her saying so that he believes oppositely.

Ugh, anyways.

So, I've been tired for the past two weeks, but that's a given at all times. I've been staying at friends' places for every weekend, and sometimes other days, since then. I'm basically unwelcome in the household by my mother, so I've been avoiding being there or in her vicinity as much as possible. Pretty much the same as normal, but to a further degree. Had a few other confrontations, most of them srz bzness discussions with my dad, or mother grarghalarg'ing.

It's... what day is it... Monday, right. The family counselor's supposed to be coming in for the first time today. One of the social workers mentioned that it'd be at some time around 11, though I'm not sure how that'll work seeing how both Chloe and I will be in school... maybe it's just for the first session.

Uh... Finally got some new shoes yesterday! Alright! No more bloody gashes on the backs of my feet! Also, no Vans for once. They failed me this year when it came to sizing. TINY FEET ARE TINY FADLHJKLSHD WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE GUYS' SHOES IN SIXES?! Tryin' Circas instead. They're NEON BLUE on the inside, but my normal black on the outside. I need some shibby shoelaces.

My dad randomly handed me ten bucks last week and said, "Here, your allowance."

My basic reaction was, "Uh... lolwut. Why wut I can't take this I haven't done anything just just why."

"Well, I don't see how it makes sense if your sister gets a 15$ allowance every week and you get nothing."

Orly, dad. Orly. Okay then. Thanksss be to you, my dear sir.

So that's pretty spankin'. Pretty cool beans 'n' spiffy 'n' all that. Though, ahaha, I'll probably just be blowing it all on transit like I have to with all of my money. Still convenient, though; I definitely appreciate it.

Uhhhm. Um.
IN OTHER NEWS, I HAVE PLAYED A PHOENIX WRIGHT GAME FOR THE FIRST TIME. Holy shit holy shit I am obsessed ffghghksfkjdh MOMMY I WANT TO BE A LAWYER WHEN I GROW UP b-but not really because that'd take too much work and I'd feel ~*~dirty~*~ for having a job like that. Honestly, it'd be fun, but only for a while, annnd I already know what I'd like to do. Played the second game because my friend had it and lent it to me (used my sister's DS...) after I'd cleared the first trial and immediately fell for it entirely. Edgeworth's emo expressions are lulz.

Also ALMOST HAVE MY FIRST LEVEL 75 JOB ON FFXI. DRAGOON GOGOGO. Dear Altana this is pathetic, I've been playing for around four years now and don't have one job capped ahahahha... ha... I DON'T PLAY THE GAME TO LEVEL UP YOU GUYS OKAY OKAY DON'T JUDGE ME I LIKE THE ~*~MUSIC~*~ AND TO ~*~EXPLORE THE INCREDIBLE AREAS/LANDSCAPES~*~ AND TO ~*~INTERACT WITH PEOPLE~*~ AND FOR THE ~*~TALES/STORIES/PLOT~*~ AND AND TO ~*~LAUGH~*~ AND ~~~*~CRY~*~ AND~~ DON'T JUDGE ME.

Also I wish I could GD even though I don't have the ~*~creative energy~*~ to. Not that I had that to begin with. Well I do if you take out ~*~creative energy~*~ and replace it with 'ability to ~*~*~*~*~bullshit~*~*~*~*~.'

I keep forgetting hallowe'en is coming up. This makes me disappointed in myself.
WHICH LITTLE BOY SHOULD I DRESS UP AS NNNGGGFfgkhgfds.
My friend wants to dress me up in lolita, my other friend wants to dress me up in kodona, my other-other friend wants me to go as- just oh god why do I even have friends.

Oh, also, ugh relationships j-just get the hell out of my life I don't understand you STOP BEING THRUST IN MY FACE WITH YOUR ~ISSUES~.

Blunt honesty time! I know at least some of the people these are to will be reading these. I don't mean to hurt or offend, I am only being honest.

Dear emotionally and financially starving artist,
STOP USING TEARS AS A WEAPON. IF I SAY THAT I DON'T HATE YOU, I DON'T HATE YOU. IF YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THAT, THEN IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON'T TRUST ME, WHICH IS YOU BEING A LIAR AND CALLING ME A LIAR AT THE SAME TIME. I'm not going to breach my boundaries just because I'm pleasant with you, and have said that I really enjoy knowing you. I'm nice to you because I want to be, just because you're 'comfortable' with me being 'more than nice' doesn't mean I am or that I will 'get used to being so' with you. I'm having second thoughts about what I am thinking is our friendship, only because you keep having second thoughts for reasons I keep telling you are not true and you know are not true. Irony hurray!

Dear guy who really needs to stop rushing,
You're great, and I wish you would realize that and stop feeling the need to drop what you already have just to jump on the next thing while you still have the chance. The reason you keep rushing with things (people, etc.) is because, I'm pretty sure, this reason exactly. You feel that your contribution to what you have at a present time (eg; romantic relationship) isn't enough, and that you're bound to eventually be thrown away, so, whenever another possibility presents itself, you FUCKING LEAP ON IT like some kind of FRANTIC, JAGUAR IN THE HEADLIGHTS. In the case of romantic relationships, your previous partner then thinks, "Oh, well, thanks. It's good to know you valued me so much to ditch me so soon." and, in turn, ditches you. You then take this as reassurance to your hypothesis that, yes, you were bound to be thrown away and you were right, justifying your leap. In obvious (but I suppose not so obvious) actuality, YOU'RE CAUSING THIS WITH YOUR IRONIC ACTIONS. Jaguar. Stop being it. You're doin' it wrong. I'm assuming you've realized by now that, again, I think you're cool, but I don't want to go beyond that.

Dear dagger ears,
You are awesome. I love you, honestly, I do, but as a friend right now. I don't know if that will ever change. Right now, no. For a while, no. Thing is, I wish we could chat about things without you responding with animal noises, onomatopoeia, or emoticons when you're unable to come up with a decent reply, unable to comprehend to reply, worried about offending(?) to reply, or too half-assed(?) to reply. Also, copulating. It's funny once and a while, but, I'm sorry. I've told you that I'm not interested right now, and I know it's just a joke, I know that, but jokes get old, sometimes. This one has. It kind of kills conversation when I'm trying to discuss something with you. Otherwise, whatever, I suppose.

And last but definitely not least,
To a dear, long-time, loved friend,
Thank you for understanding, I'm glad we can still continue knowing each other as close friends, something I'd like to be. I'm sorry, again, that I haven't been able to keep in contact with you as much as possible, lately. I hope college/uni is going well for you, and that your idiot of a sister gets smacked upside the head by life at some point (successfully, this time). How's your new kitten been doing?

I bet I'm not the only one who wishes I'd write shorter lyyyyyyyvejornahl entries, huh. Yeah, maybe if I didn't have to post every two weeks and didn't have anything going on in my life (which is weird, let me tell you. LET ME TELL YOU. LET ME. ABOUT THE THINGS. ABOUT THE PLACES. ABOUT PEOPLE. ABOUT THE STORIES I'VE MADE. THESE THINGS. THESE THINGS I'VE SEEN. MAH BOIIIIIII). Also, if I could resist ranting and had the ability to summarize without having perfectionist and lazy feelings conflicting. Yeah. That'd probably help.

It's goin' dowwwnnn in...

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 22:32:44 GMT

Alright, so, went to the Ministry of Child and Family Development last Tuesday.
Spoke with them for about two hours.

Well
more like spoke to them, but that's beyond the point.

They seem to believe me.
That was the one thing I was terrified over: the fact that they'd think I was making things up, along with the fact that my case wouldn't be 'extreme' enough to take action upon.

They were supposed to do something at the end of last week, but didn't, because Friday came to be too quickly and they're apparently closed on weekends. Leaving my sister and I without contact to them for two or three days wouldn't have been good after initiating something such as that.

They were supposed to interview my sister today, and then my parents, but they rescheduled again.

Tomorrow. They're approaching them tomorrow.

Nnnng.
I am, to be completely honest, anxious, and scared shitless of what's going to come of this.

I'm kind of wishing it will blow up just so that we don't have to deal with an even more tense if not dangerous atmosphere afterward, and just leave.
For a long
long time.
But that's partially from an immature part of me that wants to run past things rather than through.
Though, I don't know. I've been trying to run through them for a long time already and it hasn't worked. Anyways...

I've done everything I can, taken all of my steps forward, and all I can do now is step back. All I can do is wait.

Feeling so powerless has me terrified overall.

But, I know I have options depending on the outcome. I just wish I could know what the outcome will be.

PS;
Thank you, everyone. ♥ I appreciate everything you've said/done for me. I hope to speak with you all soon.

Convention/Whatever Photos/Videos

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 04:37:27 GMT

Lots of images and a few videos here; so, a warning to those of you with slow computers.

Before

ALRIGHT, FRIZZ! ALRIGHT, BAD POSTURE!

Yes, I used to fit all of this underneath my Sora wig.

After

Excuse the BLARING LIGHTS in my bathroom. Excuse any, "Oh god myspace emopicslulz"-ness. I took these five minutes ago with my phone camera and I'm dead tired, as usual.

Also, this is with my hair straightened. As you can see from the before picture, I have INTENSELY CURLY hair. Without the weight of it being long anymore, it goes BATSHIT.

Why do I always end up as the little boys.

Why.

Also, a few of these photos might have parts of them cut off because of the size my LJ's formatted to. It's only a couple, so if you want to see the full ones and not miss out on some of the people in the pictures (our Axel, etc.), then just right-click 'Properties', then copy and paste the link. ...Or whatever works for you.

Sora from Kingdom Hearts II: Final Mix +, in his Christmas Town outfit.

The shoes and buttons were EXTREMELY last-minute, so try not to be too critical on that. Also, my keyblade got busted up after some lamer grabbed it without my permission and started swinging it around, so the handguard and some of the intricate parts of the blade are less 'sharp' looking after having tips snapped off.

Yes.
Yes I obviously cut myself.
No shut up those bandaids are from my atopic-ness/skin condition. Bandaids were better looking than RAW FLESH. Yummy.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to smirk/smile with fangs in without making it look stupid? It's really not as easy as it's played off to be.

Annnd the rest of my group.

Len Kagamine, Vocaloid Version 2.0.
AKA, what's supposed to be the little blonde boy.
My hair was dead for most of this outfit, ugh.

Seriously, you can't expect your programs to run 24/7.

...So give us a break sometimes.

Oh yes, by the way, Len loves bananas. Durhurhurhurrr.

WE ARE NOT WORTHY. GODDESS WINDOWS 2000, BESTOW UPON US YOUR VOCALOID-COMPATIBLE SOFTWARE.

This was at my birthday in some arcade. It started to rain so we were looking for shelter. NNNG HAIR.
I KANT RYDEZ IT?!?!

Mnnnn banana-sama, the things you do to me-
I mean
uh
I'm tired go away.

BAD ONIISAN. BAD.
Poor Kaito, always getting the short end of the stick.

Annnd for the cosplay videos...

Friday; Christmas Town:
...Up until 3:16 it's pretty boring. I skipped through up until that point, myself, haha.
Also, Op-chan (our Roxas) goes pretty crazy with editing, so get used to it.

Saturday/Sunday; Vocaloid:

HAMSTER PAJAMAAAS.

Me Stuck In A Really Small Dryer.

At our Axel's house. Last year. I don't even know, okay.

The End.

Oh lawd, shitloads of update; also, on a more 'solid' hiatus, now.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 00:14:22 GMT

Nnnnnnng.
Hey guys
What's up?
Coo', coo'.
Me?
Uh, alright, uh... life.
It's uh, it's-
meh.

I guess I'll go over what's been happening, like I said I would, but briefly. I've forgotten a majority of it because of how badly my mind seems to organize things. I might just... yeah, I think I'll just throw things out there and rant if it comes to it.

Uhhhh
convention. Anime evolution. Right.

Well, in the end, I did go. It wasn't as great as last year, and I missed a large portion of it on Friday. Also woke up late on all of the other days because of how late I stayed for the raves and just hanging out (seeing how my family was on vacation somewhere and I didn't need to worry about a curfew, hurhur)... but it was fun. Just... not fantastic or anything. Wasn't really worth the stress.

I had more fun in my Vocaloid (Len Kagamine) cosplay than I did my Xmas Town Sora outfit.

Uhhhhm, met some new people. Not as many as last year, but some fun ones indeed. Also, was able to invite Arianna over last-minute when I got my mother to finally comply to the notion. She attended the con on Saturday and Sunday with me.

No, I did not participate in Anime Idol. I'm glad I dropped it, because, as I said earlier, I had put too much on my plate. I kind of regretted it afterward, though, after hearing from friends that (apparently) the contestants weren't at their best this year. One of the only people I considered real competition messed up her lyrics in the first round, and a lot of other dropped out. The rest were just... apparently 'meh'? Oh well, though. Next year, I suppose, if they're not too fed up with my for last-minute disqualifying myself.

Had my birthday a few days afterward. Went to a local amusement park with a bunch of friends. Spent about 250$ on all of them to get them in, and some of them still had to pay for themselves, which I felt badly over. I thought it'd be cheaper, but the place's website had been misleading, ~~so there went my only money and my birthday money.~~ Ffffhaha, I still need a new sweater and now shoes, as well. My current ones have been stabbing into the back of my feet with broken shards of plastic for the past three months. BLOODY GASHES FOR THE WIN.

A bunch of us went in cosplay, and a bunch of us didn't. Because a friend of mine was coming from her friend's (after bumming there for the con), I had to meet her at the park, then take her back to my house to drop off her stuff, and then go back. That cut off a couple hours of me spending time with the others and such, but oh well.
8C Couldn't say no, because I'm a pussy.

Also, Paige left early because of some ~womanly issues~, which was understandable, but... I know that wasn't entirely the reason she left, and it kind of disappointed me, because I know she could've remedied either with easy help from us or otherwise.

I had an AWESOME Gurren Lagann crack cake back at my house which I have yet to get the pictures of, because my friends used their cameras for them, and I... well, they haven't sent them yet.

I have yet to eat Guinble's face. I am
saving it

for something
special
and
secret.

Those who didn't have to go home slept over. That consisted of about... six or seven people? We crammed all of us on to a double bed in the basement, in the spare room. I would've used mine, but it's a loft bed and uh... anyone falling off would have been a bad thing.

I got an Aerrow figurine and Lush AWESOME SOAP with the smell of SOUR THINGS from Arianna, a Gurren Lagann wallscroll from Jojo and Brenna, Ailac and Kidd plush hair clips from Paige, a giant bag of SOUR gummies from Brenna on her own, a drawing from Kia, uh, and I think that's it. I'm sorry if I've forgotten anything, you guys. I'm pretty scatterbrained right now.

My dad had these Splashdown water park tickets that he got from some business thing for free, so we went there a couple of weeks later, along with my sister, and Kia. My mother was going to come but, she uh, canceled last minute. She assumed dad was pissed at her for some reason, started blaming the world and complaining about her hard knock life, etc., etc., so it goes.

Anyways, I, being the brilliant person I am, didn't put sunscreen on, even though I excessively scolded everyone else to. I received another moe-sunburn-blush for my efforts. Huzzah.

Everything else in between was just me preparing for school, trying to calm down, and being dragged all over the map by acquaintances/friends.

School.
School oh god school.

Senior year; OLD TIME GOGOGO.

First Semester Classes:
Math 11 (hahaha 9.8% in that class last year, no joke. Homework? Wut?),
Senior Concert Choir 12 (fuck yeah music),
Social Studies 11 (yes, Mr. Benoy. I know I'm an, "Intelligent student who could do extremely well if [I] concentrated on doing the homework." I really appreciate the words, but please accept that once I put my mind to it, or should I say, take my mind from it, I'm a lost cause. LET'S TRY THIS CLASS AGAIN!),
English/Literature 12 (oh lord, SO much homework, though I love the class discussions).

Second Semester Classes:
Biology 12 (HOW DID I PASS 11. HOW. OH GOD 50% I LOVE YOU MR. PYE BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE YOU'RE KIND OF AN ASS IN GENERAL AND YOU'RE SLIGHTLY CREEPY, BUT OH WELL, YOU UNDERSTOOD MY SITUATION AND PASSED ME THANK YOU.)
Digital Media 12 (HOW DID I GET THIS CLASS?! I don't know how I had room for it, but oh well, I guess I messed up somewhere.)
Civilizations 12 (I can't wait for this class. Study of the history of the arts and and nnnnnnggg studying people like the little ants they are.)
English/Literature 12 (Yeah, this course runs the entire year because of how huge it is. I am a dork. I enjoy English and so I take the honours/excessive classes for it. I wish I could've taken Writing 12 instead of Biology 12, but it only runs during the first semester, and I didn't have room for it. 8C)

X-Block Classes (Lunch, After School, etc.):
BCA Transition Planning 12 (I hate this class, I despise it, there is honestly no point to it other than to baby us and unneccesarily add more on to our plates.
Yearbook 12 (Why do we have to make the yearbook that I graduate in a Dr. Suess-themed one, Mrs. Bougie? 8C I don't think it's not neat, but... mnn. I don't know.)

All of the grade 11s are taller than me. A large majority of the 10s and some 9s are as well. FJHGKJHGDJKHG
FGGHNgkhfs
nng
ggrnrnng
grargwhy.
It's hard to feel like an authoritative 'role model', as the vice principle tells us we are, when you're shorter than most, including your peers.
Oh well. Hurr.

My days are ridiculous.
I wouldn't mind having them this long if I enjoyed more of what I was doing, or had some break from it at the end of it all, but, that's not the case.

My schedule right now is about 7:30AM~6:00PM of school, clubs, tutorials, IF I don't have to pick my sister up from her school and look after her for a while, or IF I don't have therapy. After that, add on a couple hours of homework for each class excluding Choir (that's something I can multitask in while doing other homework, haha), or traversing around and handing out resumes for the job I have no fucking idea how I'm going to have time for. I don't eat breakfast or lunch because I don't have time and I'm too tired to normally make either, nnggg. Also, eating breakfast just... normally makes me feel really nauseous. I can't eat right away in the morning. I just grab a snack after school and then eat dinner, and conk out.

If I can find some time in the day to sneak on or be allowed to use the computer, I do so. I'm still (since March, yes. I don't know when this will be lifted, if at all, nor can I explain why. It honestly depends on my parents' moods) banned from all of my video gaming systems, though, so it's difficult for me to access FFXI. Sorry to those of you who I know through there, or...

you know what, sorry to anyone I can't seem to keep in contact with lately, in general.

I'm just...
really,
really busy.

I have attained somewhat of a life and I hate it.

Like I said, it might be a bit better if I had some access to the things I enjoyed during the little time I have free without having to pussyfoot around about them.

BAWWWWWBAWWWHAMBULANCE TEENAGE SELFISHNESS AND ANGST HORRIBLE PERSONBLAHBLAHBLAH; ANYWAYS.

Oh wait, there's more.

This is going to sound really, really selfish (does it?), but I don't mean for it to.

I've had about four or five people confess their undying love for me in the past... a little over a month.
I have already explained that this is really, really awkward for me, to most of you.

I'm not good with romance.
I'm not good with people.
I'm not good with the two of these combined.
I'm also not good with saying no to people for multiple reasons.
I'm also blahblahfbdhfhskjfasd

"BAWWW WHY DO PEOPLE LOVE ME BAWWW IT'S SO ANNOYING TO BE APPRECIATED I DON'T DESERVE IT BAWWW!" is not what I mean.

...Entirely.

Ergh.
I just.

I'm already scatterbrained enough lately, and I don't know what to tell these people.

Okay, no, I do, I do know what to tell them, but I can't form it into something coherent (at this time) that I'll be alright with once I've gotten it off of my chest. I'm really scatterbrained right now, like I said.

I could use the comfort, I could use the affection, I could use that physical reassurance of the occasional hug that's justified by a relationship at that apparent depth, sure (though that'd take time, anyways. I'm way too physically shy to admit to wanting a hug or a pat without it being forced upon me or having some kind of excuse, and that's unhealthy to begin with), but I'm too scared to attempt it, and I know it's not the time for me to when I'm this muddled.

I also know it's not the time because I'd be wanting these things from these people when I don't feel the same way they do. I could try to take it slow and get to know them, 'casual dating' or whatever it is people do (so that maybe I'd grow to feel a similar inclination towards them that they do to myself), but I don't know how to do that, I don't understand it. It's not even something that you can tell me to "Try," because "experience is how you learn," etc.. I just don't feel comfortable with it. I think because I'd be constantly embarrassed. The idea of 'going on dates' always seemed REALLY stupid to me. I'd rather just hang out with someone and do whatever it is we do. If we wanted to make it a 'ohhohoho this is a couple thing' then we could hang out and make sure we don't do it with other people. That's my kind of 'date'.

Maybe it's because anything more fancy would make me feel uncomfortable because I'd be imposing difficulties upon them, and I don't want to trouble anyone?

Partially, yes, but not really. It's mainly just weird, to me.

...I went off on a tangent there.
Anyways.

None of these people that have admitted their affections to me in the past bit really know me at all (OH GOD NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME BAWW BAWWW BAWWWWWWW, no, they just only know the hurhurhur joking-me), with the exception of, I'd have to say, one (heya, Key). Maybe a second, but they only know about my shitfest going on with my family, and that's because of the occasion when, "Something came up..." wasn't a good enough excuse.

I also just... don't reciprocate to these people in a romantic way at all. I don't feel for them like that right now.

I wish I could type this out a bit more fluently, and less rant-ingly, but, nng. Don't have the time. Also, SRS BZNSS here, so anyone who hasn't stopped reading so far that isn't interested in my non-fandom-lulz-whatever life, stop.

I spoke to my youth worker, she's been promoted or something, so she can't see me anymore. She said she'd get another worker to meet with me every week, but there's going to be a month-long intermittal gap on that.

My therapist is leaving the center she works at. I found out she was actually a 'sub' for another person who worked there, who had been away on a long (and I mean long as in two and a half years) leave. That person had been stricken up with cancer and is now returning, so, my last session is next week. I don't really know how to feel about that right now.

Thing is, I've spoken with both my youth worker and my therapist about that youth-agreement program (the one where the government provides me with a place to stay and money for food/clothes/etc.), AND my school councilor, and they all give me the thumbs up on it, pretty much.

My school councilor called up a center about getting me to meet with a social worker. She tried four times, and I've finally been bumped up enough to get an appointment whenever I want to go in. I'm heading their tomorrow morning during my Choir and English/Literature class, but I'll be marked in attendance so that my parents won't find out where I, well, am. I have to explain to them my situation, my sister's, etc..

It's just...

let's just say it's

uh

...gotten really, really bad within the past two months.

As in
drinking issue's still there, of course, and uh
other stuff
starting up
like
nng
hitting
and
ugh just
ffghghgng.

Honestly, if I could, I'd rather not move out. I really appreciate what both of my parents have bestowed upon me (food, shelter, the gifts I got as a kid, clothing, etc.), or have tried to (uh, father-daughter time, affection, etc.), but it's just not working. They're not trying in very good ways right now.

And, I hate to admit it, but, I do appreciate the relationship I have with my dad. I care for him and worry for him, and if I do move out, we'll see how I handle that, I suppose. My mother, not so much, obviously. Neither of them are perfect, and I don't expect them to be, but some mistakes just keep being made over, and over, and over, and over. Ridiculous ones. Hurtful, harmful ones. Ones that have been promised to never be made again.

My mother was watching Oprah the other day, and they were talking about how parents can't expect their children to grow and strive for the best, be happy, etc., if their parents are constantly miserable or acting miserably. It was something about 'warrior moms' and 'role models', blahblahblah anyways. She kept nodding her head at the TV and 'strongly agreeing.'

I lul'd.

Shalalalalalalamy life is so horribleblahblahblahto get on with it.

Something needs to change.
I really want to do well this year in school, and I can't be distracted with covering my sister's ears from my parent's screaming and breaking things, looking after her before and after school, having her sleep in my room (her bed has been untouched in the past three months), lying for my dad and telling her that, "No, that's not him smoking [some drug/cigarettes/I don't even know], that's a skunk outside." I can't be distracted by my mom berating me on a majority of things I do/attempt, hearing her always add a venomous twist to her compliments, and having her expect me to do 'the best beyond the rest' anyways. I can't be distracted by her drinking problem in general.

I can't be distracted by feeling like shit about everything when I've actually been trying for the past... little under a year to not do that. Every time I feel great, I'm shot, no, freaking snipered down by something out of my control. I've listened to others who tell me I need to do something for myself, to stop worrying about imposing, to stop being so twitchy at taking things, and I'm trying to be happy because of these things spoken to me, and just so that
I don't know
so that I can just be well and do well for myself.

Thing is, I've taken all of the steps I can on my own right now. Now I need some help, and I guess I'm finally somewhat comfortable with being able to take that. I'm not saying I don't feel guilty already about this. Bullshit, I do. I do feel badly for imposing upon others, because really, in the end, I am taking up their time, whether it's their job or not. That's just me, though, and... I'm obviously not as bad about this as I was before, otherwise I wouldn't be admitting it, haha.

Oh jeeze okay I'm ranting again, anyways-
To elaborate-
As it is-
As it remains-
As it may beblahblahblargh ANYWAYS-

We'll see how it goes, I guess.
Like I've said in the past, I worry for my sister, so I'm hoping I'll be able to figure something out for her as well, because having the ability to run next door if it gets really bad when I'm not there just isn't enough. She shouldn't have to do that in the first place.

Uh.
To wrap things up?

HIGURASHI NO NAKU KORO NI.
HOLY SHIT
GO WATCH IT
NOW.
Including the second season, Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni Kai.

It's an anime that gets your hopes up every four or so episodes and CRUSHES IT TO FUCKING PIECES. Then does it all over again! And again... and again...

It's an anime that involves an annoyingly adorable style (for the main characters, at least), annoyingly adorable catchphrases, annoyingly adorable outifts, etc., etc., etc....

and yet there's MASS MURDER and ABUSE OF MANY KINDS and SHITLOADS OF DEATH IN HORRENDOUS WAYS, repeatedly.

I
love it.
It's
amazing.

And finally, my hiatus has strengthened itself, so to speak. I know I was a bit more active a few days after I made my last post, but I've been completely banned off the computer now, since... um, the 26th. So, if you see me on at all, I'm sneaking/on a school computer/at a friend's/etc..Please don't take it personally if I suddenly log off of an IM chat-whatever (if I get on them at all) without saying goodbye. Please do not take it personally if I stop responding anywhere else for gaps at a time. Please do not-
you get my drift.

I wish it was easier to stay in contact with the majority of you. 8C

Oh and, uh, if this moving out thing comes to fruition, it's likely I won't have a computer at all. I might even have to change schools, which means I don't know their policies on internet access. I don't have any idea at this point.
I might be saying bye for a long while, really, is what I mean. 8S

Again, again, we'll see.

PS;
I'll put up con photos, hair before/after pics, and con videos in another entry (today, maybe. I don't know if my parents are home at the moment or not). Also, a video of me stuck in a dryer, if anyone's interested, because as soon as I mentioned that people started asking about it. u__u;

PPS;
Bloody freaking fugcakes I loathe Rich Text editor.

So, Uh

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 02:30:16 GMT

Hey guys, long time no post.

...And it's probably going to stay that way for a bit longer.

I've been really busy lately due to... well, a lot of things, all over the place, one of them being the fact that school's started up again. Senior year = lots of work.

I'll fill you all in (hopefully briefly, considering how much of it there is) on all of it when I have the time/ability to next do so, but until then, it's really difficult for me to access a computer as of late.

Wherever it may be: MSN, DA, GD, etc., sorry if I've been really inactive for the past bit. Sorry if I haven't gotten back to you about things, sorry if I haven't kept up with you, whoever 'you' is. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't expect me to be all too active anytime... extremely soon.

Shit

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 10:15:36 GMT

I just got back from the convention pre-reg pickup/masquerade ball a bit ago.

...Went in kodona-style Len, but with simple dress pants. Uh... Kodona is basically, I suppose, lolita for boys. Was pretty wicked.

The whole event was really boring until the dj started playing faster music and it eventually just morphed into some kind of low-key rave.

...Well, I thought it was boring until then.
Guess that's just me being socially awkward.
I didn't sit in the corner for half of the entire dance in a chair playing with my Tonka steamroller toys and moping s-shut up.

Also, Brenna left before I could see/dance with her. ._. We got held up and she had to leave early as it were. nnnnnmmg...

I'm fucking pissed right now, though.
I have none of my songs completely memorized yet; I had absolutely no time between yesterday and today to do so. I'm thinking of dropping the event all-together if I can't get my shit together.

I was going to finish my shoes and buttons for my Xmas Sora outfit tonight after getting back (I have to wear it tomorrow, or, should I say later today, considering the time), but now I can't find my silver fabric. I can't do it without my silver fabric. WHERE IS MY SILVER FABRIC.
Fuck. Panicking.
I think I might have left it at Jojo's last week and didn't notice.
Nnnnnnngshe won't pick up her phone OF COURSE SHE WON'T PICK UP CHAYCE IT'S 3:09 AM.

I'm so sleep-deprived and malnutrition'd right now. 8C Yayyy three hours of sleep and a can of mango nectar and a two-bite brownie one day, and yayyy two hours of sleep and a bowl of cheerios the next.

So goes conventions.

Anime Evolution is seeming like way more trouble than it's worth at this point.
...I've been seriously contemplating not going this year (it's wearing me down a lot), but I've made an obligation to my cosplay group and... nngnng... sigh.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhahahahah snrrk... nng.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 05:30:15 GMT

Nnnnnnnnghhhh

nnnnnNNNNNNNNNNGHHHHH

GUESS WHAT I GOT THAT NONE OF YOU WILL BE INTERESTED IN AT ALL; NONETHELESS...

HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

-RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRyes. Assault Jerkin. ORANGE. Fucking goddamn Ose I hate that stupid Notorious Monster.
Camped it literally eight days or so in a row, staying logged in for 4-7 hours at a time killing Toramas (during nighttime here, that is, of course. Sleep is for the weak or so I keep telling myself) where it's supposed to spawn until it finally DID, killing it and being disappointed every time up until NOW.

Jeeze.
And it's not the most incredible equip, but it's much better than my artifact armor, and I can use it until and into level 75... though I'll be needing other equips by then as per demand by the populace of FFXI and the parties I'll be joining sigh.

ALSO

the summer event is just about to end, it's been going on for a little while. I obtained all of the new items for both my main character(Lithian) and my mule (AKA item storage or spare character), and I thought I'd share the new bathing suit equip that Square Enix released this year.
On my sexy Mithra (female cat-person, I guess, is one way of describing that), of course.

.
.
.

Oh no did I say mithra.

I actually meant male elvaan.

Did you say you want more.

Alright then.

Oh baby touch me right there

right there

right there.

Damnit bad-quality screenshots on stupid PS2.

Also, yes, his character name is Yaoilove. Shut your traps, I'm a horrible person, I know it. I, also, get bored quite often.
I run around towns using the /cheer motion to hump male characters and shout at them about doing things in the name of flamboyant love and all that; it's great. Yes, I pay an extra dollar a month for this spare character.

Anyways.

IT'S BEEN SO HOT. Rain, rain come and stay.

My family has disappeared off into the mountains to frolic and do whatever it is they do. In other words, my dad had another business trip he needed to go to and my mother eventually whittled him down into letting her and Chloe tag along. I guess they made it a sort of mini-vacation.

I stayed behind to look after the pets and other things.
Honestly, I'm glad they didn't want me to/force me to/whatever go along with them.
It just would have been more tension added to the air, yelling, slamming/crashing/breaking of things, etc.... as our 'vacations' seem to always be.

I do wish Chloe the best, though, on that. I worry for her, though she hasn't called me on my cell phone as of yet, so I'm assuming she's alright.

They've been gone since Wednesday, and were supposed to be back last night, but... that hasn't happened yet? I called them today, but they aren't picking up; so, I'm just going to assume they lengthened the trip. I suppose they'll contact me eventually, or just return whenever...

Really, though.
I'm... I'm in a good mood, on average, here. In this house, at least. At the moment. I think it's because... well, I'm happy to be alone in the house. To be free like this, not worry about who's coming home, or when they're leaving. Not having to be on my toes about how I let them perceive my actions, in fright of being chipped at again. That tight feeling isn't there to make me nauseous.

I've been smiling on transit for no goddamn reason when I go places, and when I come home, I look forward to it. I look forward to going both ways now. I happily talk to the dogs, or cat, or whatever it may be when I come home. Ffff, I think the dogs are happy - in a way - that my family's gone too, seeing how I give them craploads of 'people food' that's left over from what I eat. I can sing as loud as I want without anyone snapping at me, laugh at whatever it is amuses me.

Well, this leads me to at least one fact. When I move out, I'm going to need to get a pet to mindlessly converse with. Probably another lizard. I miss Lickitung, my old chameleon, haha. Always have, sigh.

I was actually reminiscing about an offer my therapist gave me a while ago. Maybe a year ago. Apparently there's this program set up for teens (who are 16 and up, as that's the legal age to do such a thing) who are in situations that don't... bode well, where the government supplies them with a single place for them to stay, the money for food, and necessities. I, honestly, don't know why I haven't taken it. She said I'd qualify for such a thing, even my school councillors were trying to urge me to do so, but... I really don't know. I feel like I whine too much, and that I'd be selfish by taking it. Or, maybe it's that... either the fact that I'm a situational masochist, or that I worry for my sister too much, or both.

I would be so, so happy with simple pleasures. Just living somewhere out of the way of everyone. Even if it meant I didn't accomplish attaining a job doing something I love, honestly, getting a simple full/part/whatever-time one in an area I don't hate so much would just be so fulfilling for me, as long as I had a small, quiet place of my own to return to. All I'd really like is a space I can have a bed, and storage for my things, then maybe a computer. I don't watch tv at all, though a tv for my video games would be nice. Then, the obvious neccessities, such as a stove, shower, fridge, etc.... Ugh, stupid bodily functions getting in the way of my simple life. Furniture? Ffff I'll just eat on the floor or while sitting on my bed, and lounge in my giant pile of plushies.

Ugh. Ahaha.

Uh.

On Wednesday I went to Jojo's to work on cosplay, and it turned into an overnight thing because of how late we worked (to my surprise. I wouldn't have expected her mother to suggest that I stay over, really). Thing was, I still needed to attend to the pets, and I had left the rabbit in the backyard back at my house in its hutch for the evening while I was out. It had to be brought in. Nervously, I called my neighbour, and though she sounded (I think..?) slightly peeved, she was kind enough to bring it in for me. It was really nerve racking, and I felt really guilty, afterward, for asking.

I went to my appointment with my therapist the next day, Thursday, after rushing home and barely making it there in time.
...She mentioned that she was very proud and kind of astounded that I'd ask for something like that of my neighbour. I guess I could see why...

...Though she scolded me for not really attempting anything on my homework at all during the week. Ughh. I don't know HOW to start on that. What do I do. Call and/or IM someone and say, "Hey! Can I, uh, throw up my emotional wreckage/feelings to you? Discussion isn't cutting it for me at the moment, or so I've been apparently prescribed."? I'mmm bad enough at starting conversation as it is.
As it were, though, I was distracted by-
wait.
What was I distracted by again.

Shit.
I wish I wouldn't forget things so easily. I do that a lot. I forget a good amount about myself, but I remember most things about others if I care to. That might be why I have the urge to tell people tidbits about myself. So that they'll remember if I don't, and I won't have to fear forgetting, and-and-andgjhfd I don't know.
I don't know if it's because I block things out or if it's just that, because I live on a day to day basis, grappling things, dropping whatever I've experienced and...
NNGGHJRHSdkjlffffrrsnrrrk.
Maybe it's both.

Oh, right.
I was occuppied with, er, cosplay things, preparing for the convention coming up on the 22nd, as well as my mother in general.
Last weekend I returned from... someplace at some time... (again, I don't remember for some reason) and the first thing I do is notice that she's drunk again, except, oddly enough, it's midday. Normally this happens in the evening.
I get on the computer to get some reference for a sketch I was doing, as well as for part of my costume. Just to, well, make sure I was doin' it right. She immediately snaps at me.

She started talking about how much of a failure I was, how if I wanted to do anything in the world worthwhile that I needed to do better. That I needed to, "Stop running and crying to people like Rosa [(my therapist)]. For goddamn fucking sake, I don't give a shit, why don't you just go live with that shithole of a woman already."

Hurhurhurrr yeah my mother doesn't like my therapist too much.

I don't even know. It was basically the usual, except I have no idea what brought it on this time. Normally I do something other than just sitting at the computer to tick her off, unless she's already in a bad enough mood and we've had some kind of tiff.

She just
attacked me for reasons unknown, other than being intoxicated, I guess.

Dad was upstairs so he couldn't do much about what she had said. ...It put me in such a horrible mood after being relatively average beforehand that I, for once, decided to relay it to him. I think, because, I had requested earlier of him that he speak to her about mentioning Rosa in such a way to me. My mother tends to use the people I associate myself with as a weapon, I guess, and she uses Rosa a lot. Apparently, my dad did speak with her about it the first time she did it (which was right after I went to see her/my therapist last week), and he told her to not use my safe places as, like I had said, a weapon.

I guess she decided to not listen. My dad didn't do much else on it, so, nyeh.

Ugh, now I'm in an empty mood again.

I went out this morning to meet up with Mercedes and her mom. We were supposed to buy coloured contacts at a place near her house, where they, apparently, sold them for 20$. Unfortunately... when we went, we discovered they were closed until Monday because of an emergency. Long trip for not much, nngh. But, if I go back Tuesday morning (I'd go Monday with them, but I have to work on cosplay again with Jojo at that time), her mother said she'd be able to take me, which I'm grateful for. Hopefully, I'm not troubling her, I know she has college/uni to attend at 1 every day... If they don't have the contacts as we were told, I'll be going to the place I normally do, which means 55$ burned instead of 20$. I cannn't be spending this much of my moneyyy right now. It's rare that I ever haaave any. The things I do for cosplay...

I have such a busy schedule this week, it's abnormal for me, and again, worrying (especially because my family should be home by then). I have cosplay to finish (I HAVE TO GET IT FINISHED ON THIS DAY, I HAVE NO OTHER TIME) on Monday; Tuesday I have to get contacts two hours away, rush back to make it in time for chopping all of my hair off (for the first time in my life) along with dying it entirely (also for the first time) at one PM, Wednesday... Wednesday I think Brenna arrives, though we're not sure now; Thursday is pre-reg day, which is possibly the masquerade ball for the convention, I'm not sure now (it's either that or Friday night); then... the rest of the week is basically the convention. The following week I have my birthday get-together, which I'm hoping will be good, seeing how the majority of my past birthdays have gone to all shit because of family drama and always being dragged along to some parent's friend's house on the day that it happens.

Heh, the masquerade ball, though... hmmm... Paige offered to lend me some of her slacks and a dress shirt, so as long as I find/make my Len shoes in time, they should be plain enough to count as good formal wear... ah, I also need to get a proper yellow tie.

Brenna even offered to be my dance partner (even though neither of us can dance. We'll have fun fooling around and taking pictures, though), haha, which works, seeing how she's the Kaito to my Len Kagamine.

Shit, also, I need to memorize three songs and get them down as perfectly as possible for this upcoming Friday. fgljfhgfhgrrhrghh singing competition oh my god. I only have one of them almost memorized, and that doesn't include polishing it off.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Sorry, this entry was kind of all over the palce, but that's the state I'm in right now, pretty much, haha.

Ahhhhhaaaaa. Well. At least talking to XRay has been fun. mannnnnnnnnffffffffffffff.

In other news, Rossiu is, apparently, my perfect lover. I never take quizzes like this. Ever. I am. So bored.

TYPE 03
Which Gurren Lagann man is for you?

♥ ROSSIU - the mature realist love
Something cool and mysterious traits of a guy attract you to him. He is often thinking, and will only speak up if it's important or relevant. This will make him hard to get to know or be attached to, because what goes in his mind is unpredictable, and he is often cynical or suspicious. He may be silent or obedient, but he is also ~~deadly~~ secretly powerful and determined. It will be pretty rare for him to involve in any relationship as he is busy with all his strategic plans and tasks. But if you do become his lover, you'll be the only one who successful gains his trust and admiration. He likes his woman to be organized, conventional, and intelligent and a capable follower. You'll be like his favorite secretary, and God only knows what kind of affection he'll shower you for you'll get to taste the inner him that no one else can ever have. When major conflicts arrive, he tends to grow a very complex mind. You are responsible to convince him the best decisions, and be by his side no matter what, and you'll have a mastermind lover beside you all the time.
your compatible zodiacs: libra; gemini; capricorn; scorpio; saggitaurius
other potential types: type 04; type 02; type 01
Take the quiz!

"...you'll get to taste the inner him that

no one else can ever have.".

PS: I want to know people's personal opinions on me cosplaying Ailac for sometime next year, or sometime in general (seeing how I need to start saving now for moving out/that choir trip to Japan that I am hopefully attending). I might ask this again sometime in the future, but... hmm. From the characters I've cosplayed so far, you think I'd suit Kidd better. Thing is, I've gotten from two people that I should cosplay Ailac, not Kidd, when I mentioned that. I'm not sure if it's because they think I suit him or... nn. Also, I'm not as tall as Ailac, that I know of. 8C But, yes, whatever the case may be... opinions?

PPS: Before/after pics of hair, want? Do not want? Y/N? 8/ Don't know if I should post them up here or if it'd just be spamming more than I already do.